How many times have you heard that young mothers have ruined their lives by having children? Statistics say that most young mothers do not go on to attend university or college while those that did proudly claim that they have actually made something out of their lives. This perspective bothers me because it devalues the work mothers do for their families and puts blame on the child for having made their lives different than they anticipated, as if it is the child’s fault for being conceived (it was your choice to get busy ladies!).
Not only does this belief negatively affect the children’s self-esteem, (“I ruined my mom’s life, I am unwanted”) but it puts more value on being a working mother than a SAHM which isn’t okay either. Granted some women need to work to support their families, or think they do, and have every right to be proud of their accomplishments in finishing their education and earning money. However it doesn’t mean that women who do not make that choice are lesser and have ruined their lives.
I think that this notion may have originated from the whole feminist push for women in the workforce by slandering homemaking as a valuable service. Many young women today are pressured to “make something of themselves” by focusing on a career and this often includes downplaying the still desirable vocation of raising a family. More women are choosing to have their children much later (even at risk of pregnancy complications due to age) so they can earn a degree and work for a few years to earn paid maternity only to return once again as soon as they possibly can. The idea of being ‘just’ a mother seems to intimidate many people.
It seems to me that women are afraid of simply being mother, because now we are supposed to be able to balance family, work and what-have-you like some sort of super-woman. As if there is anything simple about being a mother, never mind adding the stress and responsibilities of maintaining a career as well. When a person is split so many different ways, something has to give and usually it’s the children who take the brunt of it. Being highly adaptive to their environments, children usually manage to make do with the limited time they have with their biological parents and form attachments to other caregivers but it doesn’t need to be so difficult – or unnatural. What’s so bad about staying home with your children for at least the early years and let them transition to being without you naturally? Why the rush back to work?
Perhaps some women attribute their self-worth to their job title and need to justify leaving their children with alternate caregivers while they pursue their careers by convincing themselves that they are doing them a favour in the long run by being more financially stable, but it’s all a matter of perspective. Much of the literature on early childhood development emphasizes that it is parental involvement that encourages healthy emotional growth and happiness, not wealth. If you ask any child if they would rather be with their mothers or have her go to work so they afford a bigger house, the answer is always: mommy. They want and need mommy, and it is fairly obvious. And yet women around my generation feel the need to return to the workforce asap so they can claim that they are still useful to society and maintain the lifestyle they had before getting pregnant. I think raising the next generation is more useful than working at The Gap for minimum wage, but that’s just me.
I would personally rather focus on raising my own children according to my values than relying on sketchy daycare services and the faulty education system to do so for me. My priority is my son and I believe that being present is how I achieve this. I consciously chose to put my university degree on hold to raise my son and have made difficult financial decisions that allow us to live comfortably on one income so that I can do so. This option is more possible than women think but it requires knowing how to cut corners and being willing to do so.
I do not feel that I need to get a degree or have a full-time job to prove to anyone that my life has not been wasted. I am satisfied with being a mother and having a son who gives my life more meaning than any paycheck.
How do you feel about returning to the workforce?
How do you feel about returning to the workforce?
Interesting post! As you know I am going back to work next month, but I am lucky to have a career I really enjoy and that offers some flexibility in terms of hours. I requested a four-day work week and my company had no problem giving me an immediate yes to that!
ReplyDeleteIf I did not go back to work we could probably manage on just Dan's salary, but would have to give up on some of the luxuries we enjoy like being able to fly home a couple times a year to visit family, owning a relatively new car, etc.
If I didn't have a career I loved I would seriously consider staying home. I do think it's unfortunate that a lot of people are conditioned by society to need certain things (a bigger home, a second car, etc.) and end up slogging through jobs they really don't like in order to achieve them.
Then again, there are some families who really do need two incomes in order to provide the basic necessities.
I feel fortunate that I do not fall into either of these categories and am able to make a conscious choice to return to work, rather than feel pressured either by society or by financial concerns.
@Karen: Unfortunately not everyone has the same opportunities and we all make do with what we've got really. It just aggravates me when I come across women who claim that they are 'forced' to return to work prematurely but really they just aren't willing to make the right choices to be able to stay with their children because deep down: they just don't want to. And that is okay too. It's the self-deception that makes no sense. It's also petty to then downplay SAHM to make themselves feel better about wanting to go to work, as if working for a living is more desirable than raising their own children. Why can't some women just admit that they are not cut-out to be SAHM and leave it at that without shitting on those that do. That's all I'm trying to say..I think. :)
ReplyDeleteWell said! I was career-driven in my younger years, but I always had deep reverence for SAHMs. When I got pregnant, I decided I wanted to stay home with our child for many of the reasons you stated. As an older mama with a graduate degree, I can say that the decision to put a career on hold is very a big, very difficult decision. The transition was hard at first, but I honestly couldn't imagine working full-time while my son is still so young. Most women in my shoes couldn't be happy as "just" a mother. Too bad, because if you really think about it, full-time motherhood is the ultimate expression of feminism! How sad to not be able to enjoy mothering your own child! Motherhood is also a great way to grow as a person and contribute to the future in a very powerful way.
ReplyDeleteAs for what people say about having kids young and "ruining" your life...they're full of it! It's never too late in life to do things you want to do.