There are days that I question whether I’m really cut out for this whole parenting responsibility, especially when I am not working from a stable base emotionally and I fail to parent according to my child-rearing philosophies. It is humbling in those moments thinking about how lost I am and I question whether I am mature enough to be the mom I want to be. I know that I am not alone in this sentiment, as other moms experience this everywhere, but I still wonder sometimes whether getting pregnant at this point in my life was a good idea.
Today I was musing about my current challenge with my son –dealing with aggressive outbursts of emotion—and I felt overwhelmed by the fear of not being able to find an appropriate solution to helping us resolve this issue. All the child development research I have done over the years did not prepare me with the emotional investment I have with my son and how much his distress distresses ME. It is different when you tackle behaviour issues with children in childcare because the connection you have with them is more professional than personal. It makes me anxious seeing how overwhelmed my son is by his emotions and I do not know how to help him all of a sudden. The root of the issue is really that I have no clue how to handle difficult emotions myself and that makes me incompetent in teaching him healthy ways to do so either. My own unresolved issues about emotional intelligence makes me question my ability to parent and I feel like I am still a child myself in some ways.
How do you know when you’ve grown up? How to you gauge that? I have it my head that adults are people who know their place in the world and make choices confidently and with unfettered access to age-old wisdom and common sense. I often still feel like a child despite giving birth to one, stumbling through life wondering how I am going to overcome the next challenge, while other days I am the most confident know-it-all in the universe. Until I had my son, I was mostly the know-it-all, believing in my ability to get through anything life throws at me and now I often question myself which is a good thing and a bad thing I suppose. It is humbling and that is a good thing because my ego needs to be checked sometimes but it is also overwhelming too and that scares me. It makes me wonder whether it is just me that feels like I am groping blindly in the dark when it comes to parenting and that I am simply not mature enough yet to be a good parent or whether this kind of self-doubt is normal for mothers at any age. I mean, I’m not super young or anything, having had my son at 23 and now going on 25, but the current trend is to wait till your thirties before starting a family and I wonder whether that would have been a better choice for me. Am I adult enough yet to parent a child?
Becoming a mother has been helping me grow as a person so much because my son forces me to acknowledge my issues and deal with them because they affect him and that is my responsibility. It is this duty that is overwhelming, especially when the first thing I want to do when I uncover one of my subconscious patterns is to deny it and pretend it doesn’t exist. Putting forth the effort to changing my negative habits and beliefs is no easy task and the procrastinator in me objects to this challenge. But my son is my motivation and so I keep trying to become the mom he deserves, even though I don’t always know how. I wonder if this desire to change in order to take better care of myself and my family is what finally makes me a mature adult.
I'm going on 35.. have a 3yo and a 7mo.. and I ask myself this every day.
ReplyDeleteAs far as I can tell, adulthood is a sort of fake-it-til-you-make-it deal. That, or once you have kids, you're too busy to think about it anymore... But seriously? I've asked older or "together" friends about it, and even the ones in their sixties don't know.
Seems like we're all a little clueless! Or maybe we're all just big kids! Makes you question why we seem to think so little of children in our culture when they are really just like us, just a little less jaded.
ReplyDeleteI ask myself the same question often. I'm sure whether I'll know when I've arrived in adult-ville? I think the trouble is, we continue to age, but mentally we *feel* like the same person, despite having changed in significant ways. On the outside, we're suddenly mothers with things like houses and cars and spouses and mother clothes, but on the inside we still feel very much like the teenager we once were. It's a bit like an identity crisis sometimes, at least for me.
ReplyDeleteWow. I could have written this. Seriously. you are not alone in this, mama! I was 19 when I fell pregnant (planned) with our first and i still wonder daily if i was too young, too stupid, not done partying or not emotionally stable enough. Thing is, though, I think 90% of mums feel this way regardless of when they started having babies.
ReplyDeleteEither way, I got your back sistah. All we can do is our best, and our kids will appreciate our authenticity. I know what I *should* do, and sometimes I am able to do it, but other times I can't - I am only human, after all. x
I think everyone feels like this regardless of their age. I always had a persona of how you are supposed to think and feel when you "grow up". I have two older siblings and while they were in high school and I was only in elementary I always thought they were so old and mature and when I reached that age I didn't feel older or really any different. Now as I'm entering college I suddenly feel extremely young a clueless as to the "real world" and in no way how I thought I would be once I reached this age.
ReplyDeleteGlad to see I'm not the only one out there feeling that way.
As with the parenting thing, I know what you mean. Although I haven't met the ages where my daughter will start disobeying me, etc. I still think about it and wonder what kind of parent I want to be and it scares me that I don't know which way is the "right" way.
@Melissa: That's exactly how I feel! I felt it most acutely right after I birthed my son and was left alone with him for the first time. I was like: why the hell are they leaving me alone with this baby!OMG!!!! *insert freak-out* I managed it pretty well however, just needed to believe in myself.
ReplyDelete@Imogen: What I find interesting to muse about is how my mother might have felt the same way after she birthed me, like every other woman in the world. It makes me feel connected somehow. That and it makes me laugh how much we look up to adults when we are children when they are just older versions of us, with similar feelings.
@lornarosson: I think all women are a little afraid of how to deal with future conflicts with our children and in these moments the thing to remember is to choose a path that strengthens the relationship rather than break it in the name of imprating values. Connection is always the best way in my opinion. Not the easiest, but the best.