The April Fabulous Hybrid Carnival

Myself and Jennifer from Hybrid Rasta Mama are pleased to announce the first Fabulous Hybrid Carnival! This Carnival will be held four times yearly (April, July, October, January) and the topics will wide and varied but focused on conscious parenting, mindful living, and personal awareness/inner work.

The April Fabulous Hybrid Carnival topic is: 

CHANGE!

In the spirit of spring and a season of new growth and new beginnings, we are inviting participates to address the topic of change.

Some suggestions:

• What changes would you like to make to your life in general?
• What changes would you like to make with regards to the way you parent?
• How would you like to change your relationship with your spouse, your siblings, your parents, or a friend?
• Do you have a difficult relationship with your in-laws? How would you like to recreate that?
• Would you like to change the way you were raised? Are you breaking free from the parenting style you grew up with as you raise your own children?
• Does your partner/spouse parent differently than you do? If so, how would you like to help that person parent more in line with your values and parenting philosophy?
• Would you like to change the path you took in life or a decision you made?
• Perhaps you would like to address the idea of changing your health or the way you care for your body.
• Do you feel like you have veered away from who you are at the center of your being and how might you bring yourself back to center?
• Would you like to change how you care for the earth? Become greener?

Remember, these are just our thoughts and idea to get your creative juices flowing. You are welcome to write about anything related to change.

We understand that some of these topics might be sensitive or too personal to share on your own blog. Therefore, we will have a “post swap” option where another blogger will host your post anonymously and you in turn will host another blogger’s post.  We will handle all of the details of the post trade once we receive your submission. The host blogger will never know who the post was written by.

Submissions Deadline: Wednesday, April 18, 2012. 

(This is earlier than we would normally require submission due to the “post swapping” we will need to do.)

Fill out the webform (at the bottom of this post) and email your submission to fhcarnival{at}hotmail{dot}com by 11:59 p.m. Pacific time.

Carnival date: Monday, April 30, 2012. Before you post, we will send you an email with a little blurb in html to paste into your submission that will introduce the carnival. You will publish your post on April 30th before 9am PST and email us the link if you haven’t done so already. Once everyone’s posts are published, we will send out a finalized list of all the participants’ links to generate lots of link love for your site. We’ll include full instructions in the email we send before the posting date.

A few housekeeping items:

• Please write a new, previously unpublished post for the carnival.
• We will email you with specific instructions on posting before carnival day.
• Please do not post your article until the carnival date.
• We reserve the right to accept submissions based on relevance to the topic and quality of writing.
• Please refrain from using profanity, poor spelling and grammar, and vicious personal attacks.
• We will NOT be editing your post so please proofread and run a spelling and grammar check.

If you have any questions, you are welcome to contact us: fhcarnival{at}hotmail{dot}com

Copy the Fabulous Hybrid Carnival 

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We are so looking forward to reading all the contributions for the March Carnival!

Call for Submissions and Webform adapted from Code Name: Mama and Hobo Mama‘s Carnival of Natural Parenting Blog Carnival.

Mother’s Milk : An all-powerful Elixir? I think Not.

Prompted by an interesting point read at Dispelling Breastfeeding Myths in their article: “But I breastfed my baby and he still got asthma!”, I began reflecting on my own beliefs about the magic of breast milk.

Growing up, like most girls, I was led to believe that bottle-feeding was just how babies were fed by their mothers. I had all the right toy paraphernalia for my dolls: bottles, baby bassinets, highchair with plastic cutlery and baby food jars, strollers, etc. The typical ‘normal’ baby stuff. Interestingly as I grew older and started reading parenting books and started asking questions, my idea of what is healthy and normal for babies changed drastically. By the time I had my son I was baby-wearing, co-sleeping, practicing baby-led solids, and of course, exclusively breastfeeding. I realised that babies really don’t need all those ‘tools’ to have their needs met and believed that what comes natural is far better. I worked hard to succeed at breastfeeding my son although I was also very well supported and so I was lucky in that respect, but I know that other mothers have experienced differently. Anyways, my research led me to advocate, sometimes aggressively, the benefits of breastfeeding to others, believing that it was this awesome liquid of magical properties. And essentially it is, and yet at the same time, it isn’t.

In comparison to alternative feeding options, the specific milk a mother produces for her child is the optimal option but it isn’t always desirable/possible for many reasons that are beyond the scope of this post. However because of this truth, many have jumped to the conclusion that it is somehow an all-powerful elixir that prevents all sorts of diseases from taking root in our babies. The reality is that breastfed babies can still get sick, can still develop asthma, eczema, well pretty much everything that a formula fed baby can develop. The only difference is that breastfed babies are LESS LIKELY to develop these issues because of the immune boosting properties of breast milk, among other things. But it does not prevent them entirely. There are other mitigating factors to the development of diseases, and it cannot simply put down to being breastfed or not. 

I think that because nursing has taken the backseat as the norm, women started to identify themselves as being a part of either group: those that believe that breastmilk is comparable to formula, and those that vehemently do not. This great divide has led to the extreme belief (in an effort to sway more women to feed their children biologically) that breast milk will cure and prevent everything under the sun which is not only unlikely, but damaging to a woman’s self-esteem when it inevitably doesn’t. The truth is that the toxins in our environment, and our family genetics will also determine our children’s health as well, not simply whether they are breastfed or formula fed. We have to be wary of the mommy-guilt that can accompany every 'cold' our child gets if we breastfeed because we jump to the negative thought of "...but I'm breastfeeding! He shouldn't get sick!", which is an unlikely expectation. Better to keep in mind that by breastfeeding we are helping our little ones develop the right immunities to fight most diseases they might encounter and help soothe them while they heal themselves by nursing them. That being said it does not mean that those who feed their children differently are not capable of providing other ways of boosting their children’s immune systems or soothing them, because they obviously can.

Those who promote breastmilk as being a magic elixir are setting up mothers for disappointment and self-doubt when it does not deliver. The simple reality is that breastmilk is pretty standard stuff and so other things still need to be done to ensure optimal health in order to combat illnesses. The question that should be asked is how we can strengthen the immune systems of those babies who do not or cannot receive breastmilk themselves, because they are the ones who are more at risk. However we all could benefit from knowledge on how to boost our immune systems regardless of what we were fed as infants. Assuming that breastfeeding is the only key does not help anyone.

The Real Parenting Experts

An important aspect of our mothering journey is finding our inner expert, that guiding voice that will helps us make our decisions for our families based on their unique needs. Utilizing this instinct comes with practice, along with honest reflection about what could be hindering it in the first place. We often become confused by all the various parenting experts out there and forget to consult the real person that truly matters: our babies. We really cannot go wrong if we bring our awareness to our children’s unique needs and follow their cues rather than some other influence, even if it is our own opinions.

Looking at some of the most controversial parenting subjects, we can pinpoint fairly easily what parenting choices are not coming from the heart but from social conditioning. We have become so focused on being perceived as perfect mothers that we force unnatural behaviour on our children in order for them and us to appear a certain way and quite understandably they resist it and our relationship with them is thus affected.

Along my own parenting journey I struggle with letting go of some of the preconceived notions I have about mothering a certain way and am working on following my son’s cues for what he actually needs from me in any given moment instead. I have allowed my intellect to cloud my biological instincts and as a result I have been struggling in my relationship with my son by causing power struggles instead of connecting with him and meeting his needs appropriately. When I started reading The Continuum Concept by Jean Liedloff, the interesting idea that so many parenting struggles we face are self-created emerged that made me re-evaluate the way I interacted with my son.

This budding idea was reinforced one night when I was struggling to get Leo down for the night and neither baby-wearing him nor nursing him was having any effect and I was becoming frustrated and angry. Leo being the sensitive creature that he is, picked up on my negative feelings and began acting out; swiping at me and whining and being overall unhappy. Instead of reacting like I normally do, I took a deep breath and considered what I was struggling against exactly. The answer shamed me: I was struggling against myself. Then I felt stupid. The belief that my son needed to fall asleep by a certain time for his well-being conflicted with the signals he was actual giving me that made it clear he was not ready just yet. Perhaps he was wound up from the day still and needed help relaxing, or he just wasn’t done yet transitioning from playtime to quiet time but regardless of the reason, I was not paying attention either way. I led myself to believe that by wearing him and nursing him he would do as I wished because I expected him to, but of course that was silly and he made that abundantly clear. So instead of reacting and disciplining him for his audacity of showing me how upset he was, I simply held him and told him gently that I was sorry. Immediately he stopped whining and squirming and looked into my eyes and babbled some sort of reprimand and then cuddled me in return and we spent the next hour simply enjoying each other’s company. He eventually fell asleep in my arms without any other soothing needed. That night he slept its entirety without any waking. It was the most peaceful night we’ve had since his father deployed overseas.

Now I am trying to get into the habit of cooling my engines when I am struggling with my son and looking at the deeper meaning to our interactions. Usually, it is due to an unmet need caused by some ridiculous idea I have that he should be acting/feeling a certain way. I may not look to be the typical picture of the ‘perfect mother’ allowing my son to remain awake well into the night, or sleep wherever he wants (whether in my bed or out of it too!), or let him eat when hungry as much as he wants, but it works for us. It works because instead of trying to fit a certain mould I follow my own instincts and also his cues to guide me to setting healthy boundaries when interacting with him. If I had not turned inwards to my own instincts and outwards towards the signals my son was showing me and instead relied on what many parenting experts suggest in controlling behavior, such as variations of the CIO method, I would not have found a healthy solution that met both our needs.

Remember that above all else, WE are the parenting experts, along with what our children communicate to us if we open to listening.

Not the Average Attachment Parent? Me either.

Do you ever feel intimidated by the natural parenting community despite having values that align with the commonly accepted philosophies?

I know I do. I sometimes feel out of place with all my flaws, trying to parent consciously but often missing the mark for various reasons. I try not to stress over it too hard because I know that I am making progress into becoming the kind of parent I admire but it is daunting at times brushing up against people who seem further along the positive parenting path than I am. Then I remember that looks can be deceiving and that almost everyone struggles in some way to be the highest ideal of themselves too. Everyone is BECOMING in some form or another. I am not alone! I hope.

I believe in all the positive parenting research but practicing the behaviours that support it is a whole other matter. It is a process that must be worked at, worked at and WORKED AT. Being a natural parent is not a badge or a mantle that is worn for all to see, but a lifestyle that has very deep philosophical roots that must be engaged in consciously. A natural parent often does not look like a natural parent. They look like a normal person trying to do what they feel is right by their families. Sometimes they mess up. I know that I mess up, constantly, and don’t often seem like a natural parent at times.

At first glance many would not believe that I am an advocate for conscious parenting choices, since I look more like a punk than a hippie but I naturally did many of the attachment parenting things that are often advertised. It just worked for me at the time but I did not bat an eyelid when it no longer worked for me either. I have yet to meet someone who meets all of the ‘natural parent’ stereotype anyways, though some come pretty close in their own way. Those interested in the lifestyle all seem to be at different points on the scale of crunchiness, and not all aspire to be the ultimate Crunch either. Some don’t even realise that they already ARE natural parents. Some of the most connected families I know don’t even know what it means to be an ‘attached’ family, but they practice it anyhow. They do what feels right to them. It just naturally aligns with the very positive values that the natural community advocates for. That’s because it is an attitude, not a checklist. We can use all of the tools in the AP toolbox like baby-wearing, breastfeeding, and co-sleeping and still not really be AP because of a lack of the necessary shift from traditional parenting behaviours (using techniques to control child behavior) to authentic ones (using empathic communication and interactions). So someone appearing to be a big hippie does not mean they practice AP values necessarily. On that line, it also means those that don’t seem to be very crunchy, or AP may very well be, or are even simply on a path to BECOMING that.

If we do not come from a family that has the AP attitude naturally, it is that much harder to create it in our lives because we must condition ourselves into behaving differently. We are in transition essentially, and so our families may not fit the ultimate image for being ‘natural’ or ‘AP”, or ‘conscious’ or any other term that fits the philosophy, but that does not mean that we are no less deserving of being a part of that community. Having an authentic relationship with our family might not look very ‘attached’ just yet, but that’s because it is a process, a practice, that has many different tools that can be used to create it. As long as the effort is being made to honor everyone’s needs within the family in an empathic and gentle manner, then who cares what it looks like. You’re then a part of what I consider my public family and are fabulous to me!

On Forgiveness and Healthy Family Relationships

Learning to parent consciously has made me realise just how difficult it is to change one’s internal programming. Some of my knee-jerk reactions to stressful situations are often less than honourable and I wince afterwards at just how out of control I was and the garbage that came out of my mouth. Some phrases or behaviours are not ones that I rationally condone and yet I do them anyways and this frustrates me. While researching child development and how internal scripts are formed, I began resenting my own upbringing at times because of how much work I have to do with myself now to become the person I want to be for my son. Although I had a fairly happy childhood, I noticed that many of my hang-ups today can be traced back to the choices my parents made for me while growing up that they didn’t anticipate affecting me but have nonetheless.

Past conversations with my mother revealed some of the attitudes my parents had about raising me and my brother and this has given me an understanding about why they parented the way they did. Speaking to my Grand-mother about her parenting attitudes revealed how she raised her children and how it affected the way her son (my Dad) parented in return and it is quite interesting. The main thing I noticed is that each generation sought to improve the way they parented their own kids. Through small changes or vast, my parents genuinely tried to make my childhood better than what they experienced and this effort has not gone unnoticed. It still annoys me however, how I now have to deal with my unresolved childhood issues in order to parent the way I want to parent.

My main qualm is managing difficult emotions, something I was never really taught because ‘negative’ emotions were either ignored or punished growing up. Both my parents were inconsistent with their approach to discipline and this confused me to no end, never knowing what was really expected of me. Coupled with being unable to express their own difficult emotions appropriately for me to emulate, I grew up being suspicious of my darker feelings and suppressed my emotions rather than confront them. Most of the ways I tried expressing my feelings were either overlooked or reprimanded, but because I was given no other alternative, I simply learned to repress them. There is a tendency in my family to avoid conflict to the point of self-deception, a habit I learned and am having a difficult time overcoming. It is far easier to pretend everything is okay instead of dealing with tough situations and am often at a loss and to how to make the necessary changes in order to set everything right.

Anyways, in Hybrid Rasta Mama’s Unconditional Love Challenge #4, she asks us to forgive our parents for their mistakes and I have been resisting this strongly because of recent altercations with them that have made me bitter but it is something I am working on. Becoming aware of just how messed up I am because of the choices my parents made for me growing up has made me resent them to a point, all the more because they refuse to acknowledge it on any level. On the other hand I can also understand and have compassion for the place they were in their lives which contributed to the way they behaved. It does not excuse it, but I can get it too.

I think what I am hung up on is that they so far have been unwilling to work on having an authentic relationship with me now as an adult, and I refuse to just put up with certain behaviours anymore now that I have the choice to walk away.  So because of this, I am less willing to forgive them for their mistakes because they neither acknowledge them nor work to improve on them. Our family issues still need to be addressed instead of swept under the rug, which is the apparent norm, and I do not find this to be a healthy thing to do. I still feel open to work on our relationship despite everything that has gone down this year but am no longer willing to do all the work anymore. It isn’t right for me having to take sole responsibility for healing our family rift. So I suppose my forgiveness is being withheld until some sort of improvement is made in our relationship, but until then, I’ll just live and let live. It may not be the ideal thing to do but it is all I am willing at this point in my life.

Healing From Repressed Childhood Memories

While reading an insightful book called Everyday Blessings: The Inner Work of Mindful Parenting by Myla and Jon Kabat-Zinn, I recently came upon the chapter about healing from destructive childhood patterns which transfer over to our relationships with our children if we do not consciously change it. They wrote:

“As our children move through different developmental stages, our own demons from similar periods in our lives can come back to haunt us in particular situations…such moments may be very difficult to capture in awareness at first, especially if our feelings as children weren’t accorded much value in our family. We may be used to sweeping them under the proverbial rug.”

I have noticed this particular truth in my own life and am now very challenged in dealing with it in a healthy manner. It took me some time to notice at first just how deeply my own childhood experiences have affected me until I had my son and I saw my wounds reflected in him as I behaved the same way my parents did to me during similar situations. It has been enlightening but also terrifying realising just how affected children are by their parent’s behaviour (like I have been).

One indication was my strong emotional reaction to distress crying which was usually met with anger and despair, emotions that made no sense to me and were hard to rein in in order to tend to my son’s needs. The feelings of vulnerability, powerlessness, panic and aversion were very strong and I had (and sometimes still do) have to remove myself from the situation in order to filter those feelings so that I do not repeat the negative quick-phrases from my own experiences. Initially I would let the rage build up until it would overspill and I would mutter those painful words that hurt me in the past like:

“What are you crying about?”

“There’s nothing wrong with you!”

“I’ll give you something to cry about!”

“Stop being a big baby!”

“Quit complaining!”

And I would then be flooded with shame because this is not the person I want to be. This is not how I want to address his very real, very valid negative feelings. I want to meet them with compassion and understanding, and love, but I don’t always know how. This is not my rational self, it is my hidden self, my childhood self, still hurt by the feelings that were never acknowledged because they were considered unseemly at the time.  

In my family, unless you were sharing positive feelings like joy, excitement, wonder and gratefulness, you were expected to keep it to yourself. The saying of “if you have nothing nice to say, don’t say it at all” was often taken to the extreme, encompassing any kind of negative feedback to the point of having to repress them or be rejected. I remember becoming frustrated at how my parents would emphasize being positive to the point of completely ignoring negative feelings or situations because they simply had no idea how to process them appropriately. When I would express discomfort in any way (physical or emotional) I was told to quite complaining or stop making things up to get attention.

I remember a period when I would get splitting headaches at a very young age and my parents kept telling me that ‘children don’t get headaches’ and to go do whatever chore or activity I was supposed to be doing at the time. Repeated expression of the very real pain I was experiencing was met with disdain. Unless it was readily apparent like a cut or a scrape, it was usually dismissed, regardless whether it persisted or not. I learned to nurse my pains without seeking comfort outside myself because none was forthcoming. I essentially adapted and just ‘sucked it up’. It was not until my early teens that I realised that I had been suffering from recurring yeast infections throughout my childhood without treatment because I never sought help for the discomfort, along with persistent constipation and trouble breathing due to a birth defect in my nasal passage that restricted air flow. All these things I had kept to myself and never sought help for. No sense in learning how to communicate my thoughts and needs when they won’t be acknowledged anyways.

It made me more resilient perhaps, more independent, but it also made me stand-offish and secretive. I still have trouble sharing feelings and discomfort with those that care about me, like my husband, who has to constantly remind me that he’s here for me and needs to know how to support me. Re-learning to communicate is a bitch.

This same pattern repeated for emotional hurts as well. I learned from a young age that distress would not be met with compassion but with dismissal and punishment. Any kind of outburst would be met with physical discipline, isolation, or a removal of a privilege. It was simply the parenting approach most popular at the time. I do not blame my parents for parenting this way, as it was simply the norm. My experience is not unique. It still does not make it ‘okay’ just because it is popular either. My parents did not have the right tools themselves to deal with a more positive and effective way to handle conflict or create healthier relationships with their children. It is a learning process, one than I am currently working on myself with my own child and it is HARD.

Many people do not realise just how affected they are by their early experiences perhaps because they simply not aware of their own behavioural patterns, otherwise they would not repeat the harmful things they experienced personally with their own children. To acknowledge our own psychological issues even to just ourselves allows us the space to possibly finally heal from it and grow, giving our children the chance to do the same. It also means admitting to ourselves that we are not ‘fine’, despite how much our parents might have loved us, and that we need to address those issues consciously, which is not easy. Coming to grips with what I experienced myself as a child as not being my fault for being overly needy or melodramatic is difficult, especially since I am still as an adult being given this message by them which is still hurtful.  However it isn’t my responsibility to make them understand how they are affecting me, I am only responsible for how I choose to relate to my own family now.

I would like to clarify that I did not experience an abusive childhood in the way some might perceive, as I can recall the majority of it as being rather happy but it is the emotional undercurrent that has gone mostly unnoticed because it was simply the parenting approach of the time coupled with my parents own stage of personal growth that contributed to my emotional issues. Although I would like to say that our relationship is different today, sadly the same patterns are still prevalent and have repeated during the few interactions we’ve had since my son was born. Relationships are not one sided and if one party is not interested in healing, there is nothing to be done but move on and wish them the best. And so I have been sifting through my murky but insightful childhood memories to unearth the roots of some of my unhealthy behaviours so that I can address them directly and hopefully not repeat them with my son. I am hoping that this effort on my part will make it that much easier for my son to have authentic relationships in his life as well.

This means that I have to be very careful about the negative reactions that pop up when I am distressed because they are almost exclusively related to past situations and not what is actually happening with my son. I have noticed that the majority of the negative feelings that flood me are those that were never properly processed from other frustrating experiences and so I have to train myself to deal with them in the moment and not repress them anymore. My son does not deserve to deal with my baggage, I’m supposed to help him deal with his. So day by day, moment by moment, I try to create positive childhood memories for him where he’ll remember how we stayed connected even when processing difficult feelings. At the same time, I am learning to do so as well.  

Coconut Oil is the New Windex

If you have ever watched the film ‘My Big Fat Greek Wedding’ you might be aware of the hilarious use of Windex for any and every ailment. When the character Gus Portokalos is confronted with any skin ailment, he says, "Put some Windex." It is portrayed as a crazy folk remedy for all sorts of things but gives off the impression that only the truly ignorant would really believe that any product can be a magical solution to almost anything. But wait; if you actually replace the use of the highly toxic Windex with COCONUT OIL instead, you may actually be onto something.

I only recently in the last few years have discovered the AMAZING qualities of this oil, not only for cooking, but for cosmetic use, and medicinal use. Slowly I have replaced many of the toxic products I normally would have used with recipes made with this oil or simply by using it in its raw form.

Some of the ways that I’ve personally used it are:

• As baby belly lotion during pregnancy and afterwards for stretch marks and itchinessto remove baby cradle cap: pour some on, wait ten minutes, scrape off gunk
• replaced unhealthy cooking oils like canola and vegetable oils not only in stovetop cooking but in baking as well, however it does alter taste somewhat so experiment with your preferences
• as a moisturizer after a bath both for myself and my son: it is safe for him to consume even accidentally but he totally eats it too when we use it at night
• to heal my calloused feet after a good scrubbing: applied generously then put socks on overnight to allow full absorption
• as a weekly hair conditioner: I dye my hair fairly often and this is damaging to my hair but if I condition with coconut oil overnight even just once a week or every other week, my hair keeps its silky shine without the use of harsh hair products
• to remove make-up: I am glamour queen on the days that I choose to make an effort and that means needing to remove tough makeup at the end of the day and this does it effortlessly, without any stinging even with waterproof or extended wear products

AND an added bonus is that is far more economical to use coconut oil instead of the products it is replacing, especially if you buy it in bulk.

There are many other ways to use this oil, which I have yet to try and am slowly implementing. Instead of listing all the qualities and other uses which would make this post a mile long, I am going to direct you to some resources for you to check out for yourself to become knowledgeable on just how AWESOMSAUCE this stuff is.

The majority of these resources come from Hybrid Rasta Mama’s blog, who is a great enthusiast of coconut oil and promotes it shamelessly. She is the one who has opened the door to this wonderful holistic wonder product for me personally. So explore away!

160 Uses of Coconut Oil

Coconut Oil for Digestive Disorders and Intestinal Health

Coconut and Pregnancy

Nipples, Lady Bits, Coconut Oil...Oh My!

Coconut Oil Unleashed - Reader Questions, Answered

Adding Coconut Oil to Your Diet

Types of Coconut Oil

Health Benefits of Coconut Oil

Coconut: In Support of Good Health in the 21st Century - by Mary G. Enig, Ph.D., F.A.C.N.

Books:

Virgin Coconut Oil

Coconut Cures

The Coconut Oil Miracle - Bruce Fife

Coconut Oil: The healthiest Oil on Earth - Siegfried Gursche

The Everything Coconut Diet Cookbook - Anji Sandage

Coconut Oil: Rev Up Your System - Change Your Oil! - Barbara Wexler MPH

Coconut Oil: For Health and Beauty - Cynthia Holzapfel

Coconut Oil for Life: Over 250 Classic Recipes Reworked With Coconut Oil - DJ Ley

Retailers:

Tropical Traditions America's source for coconut oil

Kelapo

Organic Extra-Virgin Coconut Oil

Wilderness Family Naturals

Barlean's Coconut Oil

How do you use coconut oil?