Does Being SAHM Make Us Anti-Feminist?

“In many circles it’s considered to be anti-feminist to be a full-on biological Mum.” 

The recent conflict that Batinder has brought up with her new book makes for interesting discussions. The idea she promotes that homemaking is anti-feminist in nature because it takes away from a woman’s personal freedom bothers me on a few fronts. Although she brings up many valid points on the dedication required in order to parent in an emotionally intelligent manner, supporting children’s physical and psychological development under what is often referred to as ‘attachment parenting’, I feel that she misses the boat on the perceived ‘drawbacks’ of such a choice. I also feel that she herself has shown some anti-feminist opinions that limit a woman’s abilities and value. You don’t need to be a hardcore feminist to realise that women are consistently devalued in society and now that women themselves are doing so to each other baffles me completely.

The movement now towards full-time parenting, with women often stalling their education or careers temporarily to be with their children seems like a backlash against the now typical unfolding of family life where children are separated from parents early. The movement of ‘attachment parenting’ is not a modern concept, more like it is a return to intuitive parenting that has been previously overwhelmed by coercive parenting practices that sought to push children into dependence rather than let it unfold naturally exactly so that women can enter the workforce sooner. Those parenting practices supported what families wanted and valued at the time: independence from childcare. But now, with the publication of long-term studies on the effect this has on children’s psychological development, more and more parents are choosing to change their perspective on parenting from being an inconvenience to being a sacred calling. However, since this is not longer the norm, those that choose this route seem to gather the scorn of those who instead choose to focus on careers and wealth. It is often portrayed as an insult to all the work previous women have invested in opening the doors to the workforce to women specifically. Some even go as far as to take it personally that another women chooses to make the sacrifices necessary to her lifestyle in order to stay at home with her children, claiming that she is ‘holier than thou’ because of this, rather than because she may feel it is honoring her maternal instincts.

However, one of the main goals of many feminist agendas is fighting for the right for women to have the power to precisely CHOOSE the lives they wish to lead and be supported in that. I get the impression however from Badinter’s writing that choosing to consciously parent is inferior to pursuing personal interests. I feel that this belittles the work that women do lovingly maintaining their home environment and their family’s well-being as their full-time occupation. Why motherhood as a vocation is not considered to be a valid choice for women to make is beyond me. Regardless if women wish to do housework or not, or raise their children or not, someone needs to do it. If women choose to not do it themselves, they must pay someone else to do so for them. I know that personally I am not comfortable with trusting flawed institutions to raise my children in an empathic and developmentally appropriate manner. There is plenty of literature on this subject, with the writings of David Elkind and Alfie Kohn as excellent places to start for example. The daycare industry is also not as beneficial as some need to believe, with issues developing in social and emotional development because of a lack of continuity of care and caregiver to child ratios. This system has many flaws, which I am well aware of because of my experience in the field and attending college exactly for working in this industry. It is another area that needs positive change and more government support to be beneficial for those who choose to or need to use them, but I digress.  

However, many women who need to return to work immediately after birthing their babies express the desire to remain at home with their children but financial issues prevent them from doing so, showing that the ability to parent one’s own children is important for many women. Many women WANT to mother but feel pressured by society’s modern expectations of women to not only WANT a career but to aggressively pursue it, to the detriment of other aspects of their lives. How is this liberating to women? Women in general now are expected to do everything: have an education and a full career, and also become dedicated mothers. It is a lot of expectations for a single person, especially all at once. Many women try to meet the image of super-woman and cause much unbalance in their lives, generating anxiety problems and much frustration. It isn’t to say that a woman cannot both be a mother and have a career, but unless the workforce changes to accommodate parents, having them both at the same time now requires sacrificing one’s needs for the other. Children adapt to this because they have to, but why is this necessary? Or even desired? I feel that Badinter does not address the reality of impersonal childcare and its consequences appropriately and the main focus seems to be on the mother’s wants at the expense of her family.

Much of the feminist literature for example emphasizes adopting pseudo-masculine behaviours in order to be accepted and successful in the workforce. This was necessary at the time for women to shed their stereotypical roles in order to be respected and taken seriously as it was a man’s world after all. But if you look closely today, not much has really changed. Women’s strengths, aptitudes, and biological needs are still not considered valuable enough to fully support. Simply looking to our maternity care systems, our financial and social aid programs, and our education systems you can see the disparity. Why, if feminism is not yet dead, should women shed their biological and instinctual roles in order to be considered valuable and liberated? Why does motherhood, and other roles that are distinctly feminine need to be abandoned in order to be considered having lived a worthy life?

Feminism for me, it isn’t about demanding to do like men in every aspect of society. Sure, women can do almost anything a man can, however as women and mothers, we have a unique contribution to make that is different from what a man can contribute (just as men and fathers have their own unique contributions that are different from women’s). That unique contribution should be valued and integrated into society without forcing women to reject their own biology. It makes no sense for children to suffer so that women can feel empowered in a society that devalues them at every turn. We need to realise that our value does not rest upon what formal education we have or what accolades we gather, nor does it rest on how our children ‘turn out’ either. We should feel that whatever choices we made in our lives were done consciously and supportively and to accept the unfolding of them.  

Another consistent flaw to Batinder’s perspective towards motherhood is that the needs of the child are being ignored or dismissed completely. A mother’s interests outside of her relationship to her family are being elevated so high that her responsibility to the well-being of her family is being downplayed. She often puts the emphasis on a woman’s needs above that of the children she is responsible for and this approach to the parent-child relationship has its costs as well. When one’s person’s needs are put above the other, in any relationship, this causes dysfunction. In this case the children are the ones bearing the brunt of having to adapt to inappropriate expectations for their development so that their parents can pursue their own ambitions. How is this considered healthy? Especially since the most crucial time period for laying the foundations for healthy development in a child’s life is the first 3-5 years of their life, very little time in the grand scheme of things, to dedicate solely to meeting that child’s needs and prepare them for success in the world.

I can understand how mothering full-time does not appeal to everyone however. Women are still very much unsupported in child-rearing and it can be lonely if a community is not sought out. We also bring into parenthood all the issues we have from our own childhoods which are often brought back to the surface after having a baby, causing much anxiety if we do not put any effort into our own personal growth during this time. Parenting can be incredibly difficult because of this and some women are just not ready or interested in investing their time in this project. It is hard work being a mother and I understand the desire to escape home and deal with more mundane work-related issues that are more impersonal. I do not believe however that neglecting the needs of the family are necessary in having a fulfilling life and feeling ‘accomplished’. We definitely can have our cake and eat it too but some serious changes on a societal level need to be implemented. In reality, women need to be supported in integrating their family lives with work, if they are to be properly enmeshed and not cause dysfunction. Parenting cannot be seen as an isolated responsibility, a side-note to life. It should really be the main focus of our care systems, to ensure that the next generations are raised in a healthy manner and that parents are supported completely in meeting their family’s needs and pursue their interests.

I strongly believe that consciously choosing to raise your own children in a culture that no longer reveres motherhood is extremely feminist, as it makes the bold statement that MOTHERS matter and that CHILDREN matter. And that’s fabulous. 

Mother’s Day is Every Day...For Us Anyways

And it’s not just because I’m fabulous, though I will accept that label with open arms. No, it’s because I have a super duper husband who recognizes that what I do for our family deserves respect and support every day, not just one day of the year. However I will have to admit that by average standards, I am spoiled.

You see not only do I get praise and acknowledgement for my contributions in our home on a regular basis, I also get gifts of flowers weekly (an awesome tradition we started), of whispered sweet wonders in my ear when we cuddle and bond once our son is in bed, of breaks when needed without prompting, or surprise gifts like new clothing or entertainment, of household chores taken over when I am too tired, of childcare offered so that I can hit the gym or take a nap...the list is pretty long. My husband also helps me by being present and empathic when I share my struggles and asks for ways he can be more supportive as I deal with them. AND as an added bonus, he is delicious and I want to make a million babies with him. I am almost constantly in a state of marital bliss. The honeymoon phase never faded with us, even after having a baby together, dealing with a long military deployment and workout out our financial goals. WE GOT IT ALL MAN!

My relationship with my husband is the strength that I draw from and it allows me to work at being the mother I want to be for our son. With him I feel like mother’s day is every day and so the ‘designated’ day on the calendar really does not mean much to me. I’ve even considered giving HIM something instead, as a thank you for being so awesome.  

You’re welcome honey. Keep being awesome. 

What awesome things does your loved one do for you that you appreciate? 

The Yelling Has Stopped...Among Other Nasty Behaviours

***This is an update to my post about my action plan to stop the yelling and the underlying issues that were causing it.***

I was struggling for a long while with how I was dealing with the anxiety that having a toddler brings while being a military wife as well, living far away from home. The combination of various stresses in my life were turning me into a monster because I had no idea how to process those difficult feelings in a healthy manner. Well folks, I can now officially say that I have destroyed my nasty habit of expressing my frustration by shouting. And this has changed my entire state of well-being and that of my son. It is amazing what this seemingly little transformation has done for my family. Let me explain.

By making the effort to actually process the feelings as they came up, figuring out the WHY behind them and deciding to act from there, I discovered some pretty interesting things about myself. One being that the majority of the conflicts were stemming from my need to control the situation and all sorts of craziness emerged from that belief. I would let the anxiety of my son’s distress overwhelm me and I would react to that, often subconsciously telling myself that I need to teach him to behave differently, that I couldn’t deal with the situation appropriately, that his distress was a sign that I was a bad mother. You know, all sorts of garbage. When I started yielding to the moments, allowing them to unfold, letting the feelings come and go, breathing them out, and then looking for the underlying need behind my son’s distress I discovered something wonderful: it wasn’t all that big of a deal. Feelings and the expression of them didn’t need to be scary and overwhelming. In fact, they could be an opportunity for connection.

So instead of reacting I chose to connect to those feelings, go for some good ol’ empathy and my son responded to this approach IMMEDIATELY. He would throw himself into my arms and have a cry sometimes, or just ask to be held. Then we would softly talk about what needed to be done to make things better. Usually his outbursts were due to a need, like he was tired and needed a nap, or that he was hungry, or that he was just frustrated with something he was doing or even just reacting to an unnecessary demand I was enforcing. Many of those struggles had to do with inappropriate expectations I had of him as a person, a very young and still developing person. When I would take the time to analyze my responses, MY BEHAVIOUR, I noticed that I was essentially creating those struggles. Unnecessarily mind you. I’ve notice that most parents do the same, so I don’t feel like a complete dolt about it. The difficulty lay in noticing my triggers and changing how I dealt with them, noticing my PART IN THEM. It was humbling and transformative to finally figure it out.

This learning experience was much more than just stopping the yelling, as I also learned to process all my emotions much better. I learned to not sweat the small stuff essentially, and how to bring myself back to a more stable state when I did reach an uncomfortable level of anxiety. I also learned that my relationships with my son did not need to be one of power over the other, but one of empathy, respect, and connection. After a couple weeks of this change on my part, my son positively bloomed! Our days together became full of whimsy and joy, which was how I wanted parenthood to be. Another awesome side effect was that my son also learned how to manage his feelings appropriately himself, simply by observing me. He stopped yelling himself, and smashing toys together or screaming when upset. Instead he would sigh and then ask for help or ask for a hug. I did not even need to address those ‘bad’ behaviours directly. Simply by showing him a better way to deal with those feelings, he started reacting differently too. He also stopped having tantrums altogether. I cannot even remember the last time he had an explosion. He does get upset about things but they don’t reach critical mass anymore. He is no longer overwhelmed by his feelings, just like I am neither. I guess by meeting both our underlying needs and actually dealing with them, we’ve learned that life does not have to be such a struggle, which leaves more time for fun. And who doesn’t love to have fun?

Have you noticed a change in your child/family once you addressed your own emotional needs? How did that feel?

Nothing Tough About Love: Toward Positive Parenting

This guest post is contributed by Angelita Williams, who writes on the topics of online courses.  She welcomes your comments at her email Id: angelita.williams7 @gmail.com.

 *As a side note  this will be the last article I post from a guest writer from an unrelated site*

Finding a firm, balanced, and equitable style of discipline for your children is not an easy task.  Children cultivate, as part of their natural development, an unparalleled ability to test their parents' patience and maturity, and over a long enough timeline, this perpetual resistance can become deeply frustrating.  Resorting to physical discipline is more and more attractive as your child's behavior seems only to worsen—you may wonder how your little apple fell so far from the tree, and how it got to be so rotten.

As tempting as it can be, however, to tell your child to go pick a switch from the backyard—that was always a favorite of my parents'—physical discipline is almost always more damaging than constructive, positive discipline and often pushes your children further from you than other kinds of consequences ever could.

Discipline should be two things above all else: positive and consistent.  Its purpose is ultimately to internalize a system of right and wrong in children that they will carry with them and uphold throughout their lives and interactions with others. 

A violent or abusive method of discipline not only has emotional consequences for children, it also has social ramifications as well, such as aggression, fear, and antisocial tendencies.  It is more difficult for children who are regularly spanked, hit, or even verbally accosted to adjust to the outside world, because they are more likely to exaggeratedly fear consequences, show no regard or respect for rules, and be apathetic toward the pain and troubles of others.  Similarly, combative parenting that pits parent against child, even if there is no physical punishment, has negative effects on a child's development.

Worst of all, though, is that physical discipline can come between you and your child, and as a behavior gets further out of hand, parents often hit harder, and more frequently, than they mean to.  Hitting your child can also teach her that it is acceptable to hurt those you love.

What it is important to remember when disciplining your child is that you as a parent are a role model.  You set the example and standard for good and appropriate behavior for your child, even when you are disciplining her. 

Especially when your child's tantrums have gotten on your last nerve, it can be nearly impossible to control your own behavior, much less take the time to consider the consequences of your response—but every time you respond in a measured, firm, and fair manner, you also teach your child how to be measured, firm, and fair. 

On paper (or online) this is all easier said than done, I know.  However, there are some concrete steps you can take as a parent toward a balanced, constructive style of discipline.  

·         Make sure to respond to a behavior immediately.  The longer you wait to address something, the more your child will believe that behavior was acceptable.

·         Be consistent!  This more than anything else will promote a rigid sense of right and wrong in your child.  When you decide on a response, follow through with it—don't capitulate to your child, and don't change the rules halfway through. Consistency will teach your child what to expect, and establish a sense of order and logic in your child's world.

·         Be fair.  Devise your responses so that they fit the crimes, so to speak.  If you take away all privileges from your child because they broke a toy, or send them to the corner all afternoon, it might distort your child's sense of scale and correctness.  It is a delicate balance, but, like anything, will come with time and patience.

·         Lastly, and most importantly: Be willing to revise your understanding of "discipline." Try to conceive of your relationship with your child as a mentor/pupil dynamic, in which you are positively and consistently encouraging growth and learning, instead of emphasizing punishments, commands, and consequences.

No matter your specific methods, love your child, even when disciplining her.  Remember that disobedience and defiance are natural, and that modifying the behavior doesn't mean reforming your child—literally or figuratively.  Compromise, cooperation, and understanding, in equal measure with a firm and logical discipline style, will help grow your child into a responsible and caring adult, and will also preserve your relationship with her, even when you're the "bad guy," as all parents occasionally are.  

A Memory of Spanking - Spank Out Day 2012 Carnival

Welcome to the Spank Out Day 2012 Carnival
This post was written for inclusion in the Second Annual Spank Out Day Carnival hosted by Zoie at TouchstoneZ. Spank Out Day was created by The Center for Effective Discipline to give attention to the need to end corporal punishment of children and to promote non-violent ways of teaching children appropriate behavior. All parents, guardians, and caregivers are encouraged to refrain from hitting children on April 30th each year, and to seek alternative methods of discipline through programs available in community agencies, churches and schools. Please read to the end to find a list of links to the other carnival participants.
***

One of the vivid memories I have of my childhood involves feelings of anger, shame, and hurt as I buried myself in the pillow of my bunk bed crying inconsolably after my father had left my room one night. I had just been spanked for a reason I cannot recall (but I get the feeling it was related to my fear of sleeping alone and my outcry about that) but the emotions I felt during this time are still very raw and very real. My trust had been violated because a person whom I believed loved me inflicted pain consciously and straightforwardly for something that wasn’t even important enough for me to even remember. I do remember feeling confused, shaken, and afraid very clearly though. I still fear my father because of those impressions from my early childhood have been anchored so deeply in my psyche.

I also remember that soon after, my mother stole quietly into my room, hurt by my cries and offered me a stack of mini rainbow cookies. In hushed tones she told me to keep this between us because it would anger my father, this show of compassion. My pain was meant to teach me a lesson after all, whatever that meant. It also gave me mixed feelings about what happened to me. How can one parent hurt me while the other give me a treat all within the same moment? It baffled me. Did they both love me the same? How is hurting me a show of love, or guidance?

It isn’t, which is why it was so confusing to me as a child. The relationship I had with my parents was one of power over the other until I became old enough, and brave enough, to no longer accept it. Up until then I would shut myself away emotionally and live vicariously through my imagination as a way to cope with the anxiety it caused me. When daily interactions always involved power struggles, emotional manipulation, and often rejection and punishment, at some point I realised that I had no power and just gave up expressing my feelings and needs. I still struggle now to express my needs to those I love because I am so used to repressing them.

Truth be told I do not think my parents knew how to interact with me or my brother, having become parents before they were emotionally ready themselves. They seemed to follow every parenting trend in terms of ‘discipline’ because they probably had no clue what a healthy parent-child relationship looked like and how to get there. Their expectations would shift and change so often, as well as their consequences, that I never quite knew my place. Inconsistency became my norm. Like many parents they seemed mainly concerned with how they appeared to be as parents, based on our outward behaviour, rather than nurture the relationship itself. Apologies were never made for how we were treated, even when we were obviously hurting. We were expected to accept our treatment quietly and adhere to whatever they were enforcing. It is not uncommon, this way of relating to children.

Now I realise that what I grew up with wasn’t my fault, how I was treated. I was not a good girl only when I complied to their (or anyone’s) wishes, nor was a bad girl when I didn’t and expressed myself, because it was never about me. It was about them and how they did not know how to teach me without manipulating me and forcing my behaviour. They simply did not know how else to because they themselves were not taught to. It is a cycle that will keep going until someone chooses a different way to interact that instead supports healthy emotional development by engaging in a respectful, dignified, and compassionate manner.

The memory of my own upbringing, of having been spanked, and the feelings that accompany that kind of relationship spurs me to make the necessary changes in my life to offer my own children a different experience. It is a process since I must address and fulfill the emotional needs that were overlooked during my own childhood and learn a different way to behave not only towards them but towards myself. By doing so I can feel myself heal little by little too.

***

On Carnival day, please follow along on Twitter using the handy #SpankOutCar hashtag. You can also subscribe to the Spank Out Day Carnival Twitter List and Spank Out Day Carnival Participant Feed.
Please take time to read the submissions by the other carnival participants:

• Redirecting the Impulse to Spank Amy W. shares at Natural Parents Network about her experience redirecting the impulse to spank, and encourages all parents to respond with sensitivity and redirect anger before it becomes harmful.
• Perspective is Everything Patti at Canadian Unschooler learns to heal from the trauma caused by the childhood death of her sister, and gains a deeper understanding of her own mother's love for her as a child.
• Remembering and Recharging Emily at The Other Baby Blog shares how she refocuses her mindset during high-stress times.
• Does spanking work? Megan at TheBehavioralChild lists the five reasons why spanking doesn't work.
• Love is All There Is: A Spank Out Day Post Tree at Mom Grooves shares her thoughts about needing to find a way to discipline her 5 year old that could give her daughter the boundaries she is craving while still treating her with only love and respect.
• Discipline isn't SOmething You Do; Discipline is SOmething You Have Mandy at Living Peacefully with Children questions how parents can expect their children to show self-control if they, themselves, do not exhibit self-discipline.
• No Spanking, No Yelling, No Time Outs....What's Left? Sheila at A Living Family shares that though spanked as a child herself, she has made efforts towards an alternative approach to setting limits.
• Forgiveness is possible; loving others in a way that works for us Kelly Hogaboom finds that if we are to raise our children in a humane fashion, we must first recognize our own humanity.
• Dear Daniel, (On Discipline and Love) Amy at Anktangle writes a letter to her son about the many choices we have in life: how we treat people, how we parent, and how we use our bodies in the process.
• Spanking: A Day to Consider Our Muddy Boots recognizes that some see a difference between abuse and spanking, and maybe today is a day that we can consider some other perspectives and utilize available resources to make different choices.
• Mutual Respect Sithyogini at Very Nearly Hippy learns how mutual respect between parents and children leads to peaceful parenting.
• What Is the Difference Between Spanking and Abuse? You know what is difficult? Trying to explain the difference between spanking and abuse to a child. Dionna at Code Name: Mama can understand the confusion.
• I Hit My Kids and Now Begins The Real Work To Heal The Honesty Conspiracy hosts this powerful, anonymous story about how it's never too late to start on a different approach to spanking.
• How To Talk To Parents About Gentle Alternatives To Spanking Zoie at TouchstoneZ shares some useful ways to discuss the often divisive issue of spanking.
• Spank Out Day: 3 Untruths and 11 Alternatives to Spanking MudpieMama at Positive Parenting Connection breaks down 3 of the biggest myths about spanking and shares a list of effective gentler discipline alternatives.
• What Spanking Taught Me Meg at MommyStoleTheSugar explains the spankee's perspective and how it has affected her disciplining choices as a parent.
• A Memory of Spanking Wolfmother at Fabulous Mama Chronicles explores her own upbringing and how it has affected her and why she is changing the way she relates to her children.