Our Sorta Sudden Gentle Weaning

Welcome to the August edition of Authentic Parenting Blog Carnival: Breastfeeding.
This post was written for inclusion in the monthly Authentic Parenting Blog Carnival hosted by The Positive Parenting Connection and Authentic Parenting. As August is Breastfeeding awareness month, our participants are writing about this exact subject! Please read to the end to find a list of links to the other carnival participants.

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In an earlier post I spoke about beginning the journey towards Gently Weaning My Son by setting down some necessary boundaries in our nursing relationship. Those regulations around breastfeeding helped me considerably with allowing my son to slowly transition off the breast in his own time, and slowly but surely, our sessions grew fewer and longer in between. However they did not cease altogether and with the onset of pregnancy-caused sensitivity, it became more and more distressing for me to nurse him at all.

Any kind of refusal of nursing him, no matter how empathic to his needs I was trying to be, was met with a strong negative reaction that frustrated me. I felt that he was being inconsiderate of my also valid needs and that he wasn’t being appreciative of the times I was allowing him to still nurse despite the discomfort. I knew on a rational level that he was emotionally incapable of grasping the scope of my discomfort or delaying his needs like an adult could, but the negative feelings towards my son kept increasing as he would insist on nursing when I was just not capable of dealing with it anymore. After a few failed attempts at gently weaning him by replacing his need for comfort via the breast with other tools that had helped us in the past like using cuddles, massage, and distraction, I finally decided that I needed to be both honest with myself and with him and to end our nursing journey directly.

I reflected long about how I would approach this, as I knew that it would be a big change in our lives that would require patience but also determination, and settled on just going with the truth and trusting that my son was capable of understanding me. I chose to aim for a two week sudden transition time, with the first week preparing him for the upcoming change, and then another week of probably hell as he adjusted and realised that it was happening for real. The approach that I took was after deciding that I would be open to tandem nursing once this babe was finally born and that I even had milk to give him (as the discomfort was mostly coming from having to dry nurse him now) and began cutting our random nursing sessions very short from only a few minutes to only a few seconds, enough for a couple fruitless sucks. As he would unlatch I would quietly tell him that the milk is gone for now but more will come once the baby is born and so now we just have to wait. After about a week of this, my son stopped fussing when I took him off, repeating back to me what I had been telling him and not making a big deal of it. He was still upset if I denied him outright to nurse though, but was easier to soothe after reminding him why it was uncomfortable for me and that he was a big boy and could wait till the baby was born.

The following week I stopped nursing him at all, denying him outright and being firm with him, even when he became upset and just allowed him to express that anger/frustration/sadness with me. It was stressful for the both of us, but it was also relieving to know that we were making progress, because the lengths of his outbursts were decreasing steadily. 

Now I am happy to say, that at 26 months, my son is (although probably temporarily) weaned and has not developed any compensating habits like using his thumb to suck on, attaching emotionally to objects, or other questionable behaviours that could indicate that he was still unready for the transition. If anything he has developed a strong affection for me and my growing belly, often talking to and stroking both my belly and my boobs from time to time, saying how much he loves my milk and the little baby inside of me. He has also made a jump in independence, stating that he is a big boy now like Daddy and that big boys can wait till the baby is born to have mommy milk again. Meanwhile he is okay with having cow’s milk once in a while instead (now that he doesn’t react to it anymore, hurray!). He has also begun nursing his toys on himself, telling them that the milk will come in later for them, once his baby is born of course! 

Funnily he sneak attacked me one day while I got out of the shower and quickly latched on while I was towelling off, and couldn’t seem to do it properly and just laughed it off and ran away. It does make me wonder if he will even be able to tandem nurse when the time comes.....but we’ll deal with that when we get there!!

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Visit The Positive Parenting Connection and Authentic Parenting to find out how you can participate in the next Authentic Parenting Blog Carnival! Please take time to read the submissions by the other carnival participants:

• Parenting Myth Busted: They Never Stop Breastfeeding - Laura at Authentic Parenting shares how her 4 year old effectively weans herself.
• 7 Tips for Breastfeeding In Public Stress Free -  From baby wearing to using a scarf, Ariadne of Positive Parenting Connection is sharing many helpful tips on how to breastfeed in public stress free.
• Breastfeeding has been Downhill - Jorje of Momma Jorje compares her nursing experiences and finds... it hasn't gotten easier with time and experience.
• A Heartfelt Tip for the Nursing Mamas - Margaux from Young Nesters gives her biggest piece of advice for all present and future breastfeeding Mamas.
• Breastfeeding Carnival - Billy at Single Mother By Choice writes about the past, present and future of nursing her daughter.
• Amy W. at Me, Mothering and Making it All Work describes why she loves to advocate for and help nurture breastfeeding relationships.
• To My Nursling - Stone Age Parent dedicates a breastfeeding poem to her child.
• My 3 ½ Year Old Breastfeeds As Much As A Newborn – And That Is Fine By Me - Jennifer at Hybrid Rasta Mama
• Authentic Parenting Blog Carnival of Breastfeeding: Our Sorta Sudden Gentle Weaning - Wolfmother Chronicles
• How to breastfeed while babywearing in a men tai - Lauren at Hobo Mama offers a video tutorial for easy, hands-free nursing on the go in a mei tai (Asian-style) baby carrier.
• Rhianna from The Other Baby Book shares a post crediting breastfeeding with nurturing a connection not only with her son, but also with her breasts and her body's empowering ability to do its thing.

The Dangers of Wishful Thinking and Birth

There is a trend in natural birth circles for women to bring up the concept of trusting our bodies in birth and relying on intuition to lead the process. It seems that this idea is paramount in having a successful birth, unassisted or not. In this I agree. However, some state that to truly claim that we trust our bodies enough to birth unassisted, we must do so without all the ‘bells and whistles’ that accompany most typical births. That even any structured prenatal care or gathering similar tools that a midwife might bring such as teas, heart monitors, salves, etc, actually brings fear into the birth by anticipating the problems, thus causing them. So then intuition and positive thought are being used both as diagnostic tools AND remedies.    

This train of thought bothers me in that it is discounting practical knowledge about the birth process (and its ability to deviate from our expectations) on the premise that trusting ‘intuition’ alone will prevent any complications. In this I believe there is some confusion between the concept of trusting birth while using intuition practically, and simply indulging in wishful thinking as a means of creating a safe and fulfilling birth.

Intuition works on the premise that there are signs that our subconscious is picking up on, that help us in making decisions by simply ‘knowing’ about what our bodies need in that moment. We may not be able to pinpoint exactly WHY we need to change our birthing position, but somehow ‘know’ it is needed. It is a form of decision-making that happens on a subconscious rather than conscious level. It is a powerful diagnostic tool but what it is not is a magic wand. It should not be the ONLY tool implemented. Knowing intuitively that there is a problem for instance, will not prevent it from happening. We somehow need to be able to recognize our body’s signs and that requires knowledge about our physiological processes on some cognitive level, and to be able to interpret them and then act upon them. This is the point where ‘wishful thinking’ appears under the guise of trusting birth.

According to Wikipedia, wishful thinking is:”...the formation of beliefs and making decisions according to what might be pleasing to imagine instead of by appealing to evidence, rationality or reality...In addition to being a cognitive bias and a poor way of making decisions, wishful thinking is commonly held to be a specific logical fallacy in an argument when it is assumed that because we wish something to be true or false that it is actually true or false...Wishful thinking may cause blindness to unintended consequences.”

I’d like to highlight:”.. Wishful thinking may cause blindness to unintended consequences.”

Some think that if they believe strongly enough that their birth will go smoothly, it will. As wonderfully simple as this may sound, it is not always the case. The idea that intuition or positive thought is all that is needed may stem from the belief (or fear!) that any preparation will alter the course of the birth by somehow ‘inviting negativity’ by anticipating it. In this, intuition is expected to be the only tool needed to birth successfully. Although a positive attitude certainly helps in lessening the fear response that CAN cause complications during birth, some problems are not caused by fear but by physiological issues and no amount of ‘wishing’ that it were not so will prevent them or help you deal with them if they should occur.

It is dangerous placing too much trust in the IDEA of birth, and not the reality because birth does not always go according to plan. If we fail to prepare ourselves for handling these possible problems, THEN we have essentially invited them. These unrealistic expectations can then set women up to feel guilty when it doesn’t follow their vision because they weren’t prepared to deal with any deviation, thinking that positive thought alone would guarantee a smooth birth and post-partum period. Sometimes problems simply manifest in the moment and we need to be prepared for them, whether we intended them or not. This is where practical birthing tools come in handy.

Some argue that by ‘needing’ to have the extra help means that we don’t REALLY trust our bodies but that is absurd. Being prepared doesn’t mean we don’t trust our bodies, but that we are responsible enough to accept that sometimes things can happen and we are prepared to deal with them. It is not the tools in themselves that affect birth outcome, but their use, and it is not always a negative outcome as some might proclaim. They are there as aids, in case they are needed. Would it be more responsible to veto them completely out of fear of somehow using them, due to some bias about interventions in birth, or to have them handy in case they could be needed? My theory is: it is better to have it and not need it, than to need it and not have it. For myself there are some tools that I don’t think are necessary for MY BIRTH, but another woman may think otherwise. Would she be in the wrong? No. She is wielding her right to choose the birth she wants, in the way she wants.

Every woman must decide for herself what she needs to have a successful birth outcome. Some women are more comfortable with more tools than others, and this does not mean that their births will be worse than the woman who chooses not to have them present. If it is all about a woman’s state of mind at birth, and having them helps her relax and trust her body, then is the outcome not the same? We must also decide whether we would prefer to deal with any issues at home or have to transfer to a hospital because we didn’t anticipate them and don’t have the necessary tools. Though intuition is great at finding possible solutions to issues or even preventing them, using positive thought alone might not do the trick to remedy any problems that may arise anyways.   

Using our intuition is essentially listening to what our body needs, and if that manifests itself as needing more interventions than the next woman, then we are honouring it. To simply assume that birth will unfold the way we want it to ideally, will not actually guarantee it. A healthy balance between positive thinking and practical preparation is needful to ensure that our birth is a safe and fulfilling experience.