Two Stubborn Asses at Bedtime

For about three weeks my toddler Leo (28 months) had become adamantly defiant at bedtime when it came to putting on his pyjamas after some nekid time after his bath, out rightly refusing to put them on. I had to fight with him every single night to get into them and it usually ended up with me forcing him down (after chasing and catching him which is no simple feat when pregnant) and hurriedly getting them on him, which I despised. It would foul up my mood for the rest of the evening. This was regardless of how much time I would give him to be nude, or cajole him into reading stories, or asking him politely, or addressing his feelings of reluctance, etc. He still refused and then put on a smirk, taunting me.

Well at some point I snapped after he fought me as usual and happened to kick my pregnant stomach, to which I automatically reacted by smacking him on the thigh and then roughly dressing him. I was fuming by this point so I left the room with him crying in surprise and obvious hurt behind me to calm down. He followed me looking so betrayed (I don’t use punishment or physical harm to discipline on principle, hence the shock value) but all I could focus on was how I could not handle him being rude and defiant to me despite how reasonable I had been with him previously. I realised he was a toddler and pressing buttons is what they do, however wearing pyjamas is non-negotiable as he does not use blankets by choice so he needs to be dressed. I knew by this point that this situation had gotten out of control as I was developing anxiety around even thinking about bedtime. I felt like I NEEDED him to cooperate when it came to bedtime otherwise I would have added difficulty once this babe was born and was already sleep deprived.

So I then reached out to my mom circles and was given all sorts of helpful ideas on how to possibly tackle this situation.

I started by allowing him to pick out his pj's as a means of giving him more control but he just ignored me and said that he just wanted to be naked. This was right after his bath when he normally refused to put anything on so I tried letting him have longer nekid bum time then. So I gave him an hour to be nude and then asked him to pick his outfit but he still refused. I could sometimes at this point convince him to put a diaper on, as he does not like the concept of peeing on the floor, but not his pyjamas. Obviously allowing more nekid time was not the solution, nor was allowing him the choice of pyjamas. This baffled me because I had previously convinced him to dress himself into his pj's like a big boy, letting him pick his own (he even picked out new ones at the store!) and practiced dressing himself and was so proud! He was dressing himself the entire week before his Dad came back home from a work-related absence. And then POOF! He didn’t want to wear them at all anymore.

So then I tried dressing him directly in the bathroom and not allowing him the time to be naked at all to bypass the struggle but it was a no go either. He demanded to stay naked and then threatened to go back into the tub to escape me. After about 20 minutes of this Mexican stand-off , I caved. By this point I was too exhausted to try and be playful and just wanted him in bed so that I could get some rest too. I proceeded to chase him into his pyjamas after some nekid time as per the usual. I kept thinking to myself what a stubborn ass he was.

Then it occurred to me that he may have been insisting on sleeping naked because that's how his Dad sleept. His Dad had been away with work for month-long stretches recently and he'd been having a tough time with that. He'd been insisting on only wearing clothes 'like daddy' (button up shirts and cargo pants), among some other behaviours that are directly related to how my husband does things. I think he missed his Daddy a lot and knew that he'd be leaving again for a long time (his dad would be leaving in November for several months) and was anxious about it. That and with a new baby coming, he probably felt a little overwhelmed and out of control.

So then I decided to try a bit harder at showing some empathy. I stopped struggling with it completely and reflected on why I felt that I NEEDED him in his pj’s. My motivation was not simply to be the one in control, but out of concern for him because of how cold it was now due to the weather and because of his lack of blanket usage which meant he needed something else to cover him. Then I considered what the result would be if I did nothing. Logically he would get cold and perhaps that natural consequence would be enough – or he may still sleep through the night and not be bothered by his nudity at all. I wouldn’t know until I tried.

So I began by starting our routine earlier than normal, to avoid burning myself out before we even started. We then went through our typical bedtime routine but I did not mention pyjamas at all. After our stories I had him get into bed and gave him his stuffed monkey, then turned off the lights. He immediately asked to have his pyjamas put on since he was cold. So I complied and then he settled in for the night without a fuss.

Yes, it was that easy.

This would only go on for about 2-3 days, then he began asking to have his pyjamas put on earlier and earlier, even before storytime, and then immediately right after his bath. I’m sure the temperature in the house had something to do with it as well, but nevertheless, at least it wasn’t a struggle anymore. I was completely flabbergasted. I suppose all he needed was the chance to exert his independence and not be coerced into behaviours and instead be listened to. Whatever the reason, letting it unfold naturally was the best option, as usual. Now I felt like the stubborn ass.

You live, you learn. Ha! 

All Knowledge is Worth Having: Examining Maternity Care

Occasionally when coming across criticism about birthing alternatives from those specifically biased against birth outside of hospital settings, the concept that not all resources are reliable comes up as a means to discourage the sharing of articles and discussions on the disparity between current maternity care and evidence-based research. The media heavily plays on the sensationalism of the hospital versus home debate, targeting the insecurities parents have in regards to optimally growing and birthing their children. Usually a heavy level of fear-mongering is employed to persuade against considering alternatives in childbirth even from the women themselves, especially those who have had complications in their pregnancies and births (regardless of labour setting), often making them emotionally invested in discouraging the exploration of this topic as a means of coping with their own difficult experiences perhaps. 

What results is a suspension of honest dialogue about the uncomfortable reality of the maternity care crisis currently underway in our country because some women’s experiences are being overlooked in order to maintain the illusion that obstetric care is the ideal approach to delivering children. The very sharing of personal observations and evaluations of these research studies by those directly affected by it (the birthing women themselves) is brushed aside in lieu of the biased opinions of those currently practicing in the medical field. This is not stating that the contribution of obstetric surgeons and L&D nurses aren’t valid, only that it is a small part to the complexity of what encompasses women’s health. The western medical industry for example is renowned for its ignorance regarding incorporating the duality of physical and mental health in assessing ailments, grossly limiting their understanding about the root causes of issues and overcompensating with interventions. This issue is precisely why the legitimacy of ordinary women’s experiences and impressions needs to be acknowledged, as anecdotal evidence has shown just how distressing and ineffective modern maternity care is in regards to supporting normal physiological birth.

In as far as primary research studies go; they are not helpful to the average person due to the requirement of critical skills in evaluating the conclusions drawn for value. Despite attempts at avoiding bias, it is impossible to circumvent completely and often what is revealed under scrutiny is the lack of important variables considered when making assumptions about optimal approaches to maternity care. A crucial aspect to the puzzle is the understanding about what normal physiological birth entails and what needs to be done to support it, which is not currently represented in obstetric care. The cause of this requires exploration of obstetric history which is riddled with a gross lack of evidence-based beliefs and practices, which is alarming in itself (excellent literature on this topic would include reading: Pushed: The Painful Truth About Childbirth and Modern Maternity Care by Jennifer Block, Obstetric Myths Versus Research Realities: A Guide to the Medical Literature by Henci Goer, Immaculate Deception II: Myth, Magic and Birth by Suzanne Arms, Immaculate deception: A new look at women and childbirth in America by Suzanne Arms). The consequence of this is the publications of medical recommendations that are deficient in critical data, since the majority of research papers on the subject are funded by these medical establishments whose main objectives are preventing liability suits, not optimal care of mother and infants. Hence the growing rate of cesarean sectioning, despite poorer perinatal outcomes for example.     

This is where the myth that obstetric care is the best and safest option for all women, even perfectly healthy ones, comes in. This ignores the accumulation of anecdotal evidence from the midwifery model of care that is more knowledgeable about normal birth which is apparent in its growing volume of statistical outcomes. Especially in countries whose maternity care systems implement the use of midwifery primarily instead of specialists like obstetricians for normal pregnancies. The level of positive feedback from women who have experienced both hospital births and then home births in Canada and the States make it very apparent that the quality of care is vastly different. However what is presented in the media is much of the fear-mongering about ‘complications’ in homebirths that are exaggerated for shock value by journalists that have very little working knowledge about the physiology/psychology of birth, which is obvious to those who are aware of the politics involved around maternity care.   

You have to keep in mind that the rate of unnecessary interventions that cause birthing complications to begin with is very high, especially in hospitals where it is not actually tracked statistically as such. Mothers and infants who survive certain complications within hospitals are considered ‘saved’ by their attendants, despite the growing evidence that many of these issues are rooted in their interference of the birth process to begin with. The revival of the midwifery model of care is still fairly recent as well and they are still strongly controlled by the medical industry as far as policies go and often those unnecessary interventions from this approach to childbirth are still present even in home birth settings, causing many of the preventable issues which are more apparent to the average viewer than what occurs daily in hospital settings. Homebirths on the other hand are much more scrutinized, hence the media frenzy about them. Often the complications that required a transfer from home would have occurred regardless if in hospital as well but this is purposefully overlooked (or due to ignorance about birth management) in order to maintain the deception that the medical model of birth is superior. Discerning a true medical complication from labour mismanagement must be done by the individual analysis of women’s birth experiences and not clumped together under the ‘home vs hospital’ inflammatory debate.

The dialogue that occurs between women, midwives and doulas that is based on direct experience reveals a noticeable pattern of how normal physiological birth can unfold if properly supported rather than interfered with. It is through women’s birth stories and through conscious attention to ideas and concepts that emerge outside of research papers that one can glean the true wisdom about women’s bodies. It is important to immerse oneself in all forms of knowledge in order to get an adequate view of what the birthing climate really is for women today. Therefore we cannot altogether dismiss the importance of what is written by the women themselves who are the ones who are doing all the work, experiencing the truth of their bodies every day. These sources are also important and deserve validation.

A Healing Prenatal Reiki Experience

When a friend of mine sent a shout-out about needing volunteer clients to perform Reiki sessions on, I jumped on that opportunity without hesitation. Having grown up with a mother who naturally healed with energy and have experienced first-hand the benefits of this kind of hands-on therapy, I was grateful for the chance to have it done on me during this pregnancy. The unfolding of our session together was truly amazing and I was left with such wondrous vibes that I cannot help but share my experience.

It began with the setting of the scene, left up to me to dictate what would help me attain a state of relaxation, which I was grateful for. I chose to have the lights dimmed, with some soothing music playing in the background from one of my personal lists, surrounded by comfortable pillows to support my pregnant self, and some nag champa incense lit as fragrance. All my senses were then suitably engaged to maintain a serene mood.

Bear with me as I try to recall the experience from this point on, as my altered state was not conducive to remembering exact details.

She began by mentioning a general outline of what she was about to do, so as not to startle me, also asking for my permission to lay her hands on me while taking careful consideration of my pregnant belly, which some women are apt to be uncomfortable with being touched, though I was perfectly fine with that. Then I was asked to close my eyes and just relax into the bed.

The first sensation that I took notice of was how hot her hands were as they held my head. It reminded me of those hot towels you can get at spas to help relax you, which was very nice. I recall how my thoughts were initially jumbled, much like the running commentary I have going on in my head during the day, however they did not maintain my focus and just drifted off effortlessly. I started focusing on my breathing and imagined what she had told me she would be visualizing during the process; our energy cycling between us. The visual I had was of light pouring in from her head and running through her body into mine, following the length of me and coming out of my feet. I imagined how the rainbow energy would alternate between pouring out of me into the ground and also redirecting into her, coming out of her feet instead. I was absorbed with this depiction for a long while until she moved down to my shoulders.

Suddenly my thoughts took an abrupt turn and I started reminiscing about my son’s traumatic birth, reliving it but in a detached way. I saw it movie-style with the recurrent thought that I could let it go now. That I am ready to be free of the binds that experience has had on me since its unfolding. I kept picturing a green glass sphere that had a grey film on it that slowly dissipated much like blowing dust off of an item. I then thought about my devoted husband and adoring son and was suddenly filled with such gratefulness for their presence in my life. I felt like despite everything I have gone through that I am okay, that we’re okay and we’ve come through to the other side. This sequence led to my musing about this upcoming birth and the residual fears I’ve had about it which unexpectedly seemed trivial compared to the profound joy birthing another child would bring me. I was filled with this overwhelming sense of bliss and of wonder about the process, and about life in general and felt like my heart would explode from the sheer power of it. I could feel my eyes burning behind my eyelids with such an intense heat at this point. Tears were welling up behind them and threatened to spill over but my ego-self was mocking me (misplaced pride I suppose!) and so I tried to rein them in lest I look like a sobbing fool in the middle of my living room.

Up until this point my extremities were cold, almost numb, with my heat pooling in the center of my body. After she moved down to my abdomen, my hands and feet started tingling and I felt them being rushed with heat and felt quite warm all over. My baby in utero then started moving profusely and I could feel rhythmic tightening of my cervix. I panicked a little and told myself that though I felt like it was safe for me to birth this baby when she would be ready, now was certainly not the time! I felt so at peace with my body and my pregnancy in that moment. I felt light as a feather.

As she moved down my legs I lost feeling in my arms for a moment and then it felt like my arms were crossed over my chest instead of laying down at my sides, like they were in reality. It was a very strange sensation. Then it started feeling like I had more than one set of limbs that were waving back and forth at my sides, with one pair crossed over my chest. I wasn’t too sure what to make of that experience and so just let it pass. Subsequently my body felt like it was melting into the table and I could no longer feel my body at all. All the aches and pains from my arthritis were mysteriously gone and I no longer even felt pregnant anymore. The only thing that I could sense was where she was touching me at the moment, which was then at my feet. It felt like she was anchoring me, preventing me from floating away completely. There was no other thought in my head other than witnessing the sensations.

Once finished her routine, I felt so grounded into myself, completely aware of my entire body. I was extremely relaxed but fully conscious at the same time. I was actually surprised that I didn’t fall asleep during the process like I would normally do at any other time I have the chance to close my eyes (being pregnant with an active toddler who no longer naps is slowly killing me I swear). I felt so refreshed and energized that I could have stayed up all night debating philosophy if I wanted. We ended up chatting together for a long while afterwards but had to wrap it up to tend to our families finally. That night I slept more peacefully than I have been able to for many months now. I felt like it was an intensive healing therapy session because of the potency of the emotions that I experienced and worked through in such a short time. It was amazing. If she could come over every week and work her voodoo magic on me, I would welcome it gladly.

My Doula Vocation and Philosophy

I have been considering for a long while to take on advocating for women during their childbirthing years by becoming a professional Doula but choosing to have children myself and caring for them has taken precedence. Yet over the years I have been advocating in my own way through my writing, through participation on forums, attending workshops and talks, independently studying birthing research and reflecting on anecdotal evidence from the real mothers I encounter. I naturally do all this out of pure interest in the subject, as I simply cannot get enough knowledge on women’s birth experiences and needs. I have been curious about pregnancy and childbirth since very young, even drawing images of women with child repeatedly in my early teens for some mystical reason because I was so strongly drawn to the mystery of life that women naturally channel. Once I became a mother myself, I was then strongly drawn to the politics around maternity care and sought to dismantle many of the myths girls grow up with about their bodies and how they should birth their babies. Which brings me to where I am now, possibly pregnant with our last child and looking to the future when my children will be grown enough for me to invest more of my time into sharing the knowledge I have gleaned with women who could benefit. 

Although the midwifery profession interests me, the current political climate around that field leaves a very bad taste in my mouth and I have not the patience to navigate through all the restrictions on their services to women without losing sight of what is truly important: the women and infants themselves. What I am truly drawn to is supporting women emotionally on their mothering journeys and I can do this by donning the mantle of Doula instead. I have been musing about what kind of Doula I would aspire to be; like what that responsibility would mean to me and what I would aim to offer women. There are varying definitions of what some consider a Doula to be, or expect from a professional Doula, and the following is what my personal philosophy would be in regards to supporting women during one of the most transformational events of their lives:

My personal philosophy is that all knowledge is worth having, and that exercising conscious choices in our lives empowers us and supports our personal growth as people. The transition from maiden to mother is a wondrous one, but is a rite of passage that is usually devalued in our culture. The mind-body connection of pregnancy and childbirth is potent, and is often completely ignored in typical maternity care which creates a cascade of complications during labour that could easily be avoided with some forethought and with quality support.

My key intention as a Doula then would be to help women prepare psychologically for pregnancy, birth, and motherhood by helping them process their emotions and addressing any myths they may have learned about the nature of childbirth through the media, from relatives, and friends. I would ensure that they are aware of their choices in maternity care and help them uncover and navigate through what they intuitively feel is right for them and their family. Because I will not be tied to any one establishment, being hospital, birth center, or any particular association, the information given will be as close to unbiased as I can offer since there is no hidden agenda to the advice given.

This would be attained via group informational workshops and private therapy sessions that focus on working through psychological barriers in attaining satisfying births to allow women to make informed decisions based on current research in maternity care and traditional women’s wisdom. I would provide local resources for locating desired caregivers and birthing supplies, as well as direct them to additional workshops that may benefit them.

As part of my unique services, I would offer accompaniment to prenatal visits with chosen caregivers, ensuring that their right to informed choice is being properly presented and follow up by assuaging any apprehensions they may have about their care that was not adequately addressed. When accompanying women during their actual labours, I aim to protect their birthing choices from the politics surrounding the maternity field by allowing them space to make informed decisions before/during/and after labour by smoothing the way for a positive experience regardless of its unfolding. I would offer consistent post-partum care as well, ensuring that women process any residual negative feelings from their births to prevent PPD and help them move into a healthy state of mind to mother in by helping them learn to accept the variety of birth outcomes with grace.

A side project I would like to manage as well is facilitate a positive community of women through the creation of an online forum for mothers to browse and pose questions and get woman-to-woman support throughout their pregnancies and beyond. I would also like to utilize my artistic abilities and provide workshops for belly-casting, birth art, and conduct blessingways.

Some of the skills I would need to accrue in order to provide this level of care to my patrons involves the independent study of alternative therapies and collecting specific certifications such as:

*Lactation consultant: breastfeeding peer counselor and educator, as well as alternative infant feeding support (SNS, wet nursing, formula supplementation) and offer safe bottle-feeding techniques.

*Infant and Adult CPR

*Optimal Fetal Positioning Techniques, Positions, and Exercises

*Massage Therapy

*Herbal Remedies for pregnancy and childbirth

*Placenta Encapsulation

*Nutrition for Pregnancy

*Reiki attunement

Post-Secondary Education Courses/Programs of Interest:

*Reproductive physiology

*Mammalian Physiology

*Sociological Approaches to Health, Illness and Medicine

*Critical Appraisal and Evaluation of Health Research

*History of Health Care

*Biological Foundations of Behaviour

*Human Sexual Behaviour

*Psychosocial Aspects of Health

*Gender, Identity and Embodiment

*Psychology of Women

*Family systems, trauma theory, grief counseling

*Trauma/Addiction Recovery Studies Program

*Socio-anthropology of the Family

*This is by no means a comprehensive list. Professional education is an ongoing process which also involves attending conferences, workshops, and a plethora of other informational sessions that do not provide any certification but simply expand the knowledge base.*

I’m quite excited about the prospect of turning my passion for all things related to pregnancy and motherhood to something I can tangibly influence in other’s lives in a positive way. I am especially drawn to helping young mothers who are more at risk for unnecessary interventions and lack of adequate support. In a few years from now, after my children are less dependent on me, I will be ready to truly don the mantle of Doula. Until then, I will continue my independent studies and slowly amass different certifications as I can take them.

Have you ever been drawn to a particular vocation? How did you go about it? How do you feel about your progress?