Gentle Advocacy

A recent cyber bullying incident instigated by a renown blogger in the natural birth and parenting community has me reflecting strongly on the importance of gentle advocacy when interacting with others. Though my disappointment is palpable due to the extent of their hostility towards those who only encouraged maintaining a safe environment to seek non-critical support in, I realise that bringing attention to this person directly is counter-productive. So instead I would like to focus on promoting positive changes around activism by highlighting the importance of compassionate communication. 

Being an activist myself within the blogosphere and in my daily living, I have come across ineffective advocacy occasionally by well-meaning people who unfortunately push their personal agenda unnecessarily and even unkindly at times, when sharing information with others online or in person. Having gone through the process myself, I can understand the difficulty in restraining oneself when passionate about a particular subject. However it is essential that in order to exact positive changes within our communities we must first cultivate empathy, acceptance, and authenticity when networking. There is definitely a learning curve to this approach but the positive results are worth the effort.

Usually the underlying intention when sharing knowledge is altruistic but this can easily be obscured if we fail to take into account the very real and valid feelings of the intended target and meeting them where they are in their lives. People are generally not receptive to those who push knowledge and opinions down their throat, no matter if the information can be transformative in some way. A person who feels condemned for their choices or life circumstances rather than emotionally supported will become defensive and moreover, hurt, if we lack in empathy while interacting with them. Facts may be neutral, but people are not. We all have our own experiences that shape our thoughts, our emotions, and our choices. We are all at different stages in our lives; having to deal with different circumstances and issues. The one thing we do have in common is the need for amity and genuine support. Parenthood is challenging in itself, and can be even more isolating when our community passes judgement on our efforts instead of offering encouragement.

Really, not all situations call for unsolicited advice and we must weigh these encounters carefully. Most of us know the aggravation that accompanies when relatives do just that and how it undermines our life choices for our families. It is no different when friends or even strangers do the same when we are not even seeking that information particularly – or are even capable of being receptive to it at the time. We must ask ourselves then if getting involved will genuinely do any good and be genuinely helpful, or if the time is not ripe for yielding positive results. It is much more effective within a relationship to give the impression that when they are ready and willing, we are a safe person to discuss the topic with. Until then, it may be more beneficial to simply offer sympathy for their situation and allow them to diffuse their emotions in a secure environment. Otherwise we are frankly just insisting on pushing an agenda to make ourselves feel good rather than be genuinely supportive and helpful. The defensiveness and hostility that often results then prevents any learning to occur and are left with negative feelings unnecessarily.

The proverb "you catch more flies with honey than with vinegar" applies strongly in regards to any kind of advocacy. When approached in a positive and compassionate manner, communication lines remain open and people are then receptive to new information. If perceived as being genuinely caring and considerate, defenses lessen and profound conversations can then occur. Simply living our truths within our own families and teaching through example is more than effective enough in the meantime.  

Many others have written about this topic and offer excellent things to consider when interacting with others effectively. I have compiled a list of them here for perusal to encourage personal growth in this area for those interested in becoming gentle advocates for their causes.

The Three R's of Effective and Gentle Advocacy by Pandamoly

Compassionate Advocacy by Code Name: Mama

Compassionate Advocacy by Authentic Parenting

Non-Judgment  by Consensual Living

10 Tips to Communicate Respectfully by Code Name:Mama

Passionate and Compassionate…How do We do It? by Becoming Crunchy

Kind Matters by love Notes Mama

Saying "I'm Right and You're Wrong" Seldom Does Much To Improve Your Cause by Loving Almost Every moment

A Little Light Conversation by Touchstonez

Agree to Disagree Online and Remain Respectful by boobie Time

Compelling without Repelling by Hobo Mama

Natural Parenting: Advocacy by Example by monkey Butt Junction

I Am the Change by Let's Take the Metro

Struggling with Advocacy by McApril

The Importance of Advocating Compassionately by My Semi-Crunchy Life

Being Gracious with Parenting Advice by My World Edenwild

Explain, Smile, Escape by Anktangle

Assuming Positive Intent by Consensual Living

How to Respond Respectfully to Unwanted Parenting Advice and Judgment by NPN

Accentuate the Positive by Fine and Fair

The Thing You Don't Know by Becoming Crunchy

Peacefully Keeping My Cool by Pandamoly

Nonviolent Communication and Unconditional Love by Nigh Needs Attachment

I will not hide behind my persona by Attached at the Boob

Parenting with my head, my heart, and my gut by I Thought I Knew Mama

Compassionately advocating for my parenting choices by Fleeting Moments

Just Be; Just Do. by Anktangle

Formula Feeders and Bottle Users Welcome by Hobo Mama

Mama Bashing by Dreaming Aloud

Empathy and respect by Zen mummy

Not the Average Attachment Parent? Me either.

Beyond Breasts and Bottles

Hiding in my Grace Cave by Hobo Mama

Everyday Superheroes by Code Name: Mama

Parenting as a mirror by Kate Wicker

Practicing Mindful Motherhood with Toddlers

I was going to title this post “Toddlers Suck” but thought that it wasn’t entirely fair to my son to stick that description to him entirely. Leo is now 2.5 and at the totally normal and healthy developmental stage of being completely irrational and difficult to deal with. Interacting with him on a daily basis has become a struggle because of how sensitive he has become with his burgeoning independence which requires a certain level of patience that currently seems beyond my reach. If there is any time that calls for the practice of mindful motherhood, it is now.

My intention of parenting with compassion and empathy seems almost laughable at this stage because of the little issue of total lack of cooperation by said toddler. No matter how a situation is approached, what I have to offer is never the right answer it seems and I am then left with an overwhelmed child who cannot self-soothe yet, but refuses to accept help in doing so. It poses somewhat of a dilemma. Combine this with the necessary but often unpleasant task of setting healthy boundaries both physically and emotionally, and you get a very complicated situation to deal with. This article from the PhD in Parenting blog describes our current state of affairs perfectly. How she describes the discipline spectrum is also interesting, especially since I have noticed myself moving away from the section of appropriate modeling into the reactive area of parenting. Something I am not overly proud about and need to address before it becomes too overwhelming to focus on once this baby is born.

When it all comes down to it, essentially what we are both lacking is emotional intelligence; the ability to self-regulate emotions in a healthy manner. While he is yet to learn it, being a child, I have yet to adequately practice it, being the adult. Perhaps being eight months pregnant has something to do with my dwindling patience, but at the end of the day I am still the parent and need to model appropriate behaviour which I have not been. Having grown up with repressing my emotions, I am still learning to navigate my own moods which can be challenging especially with the negative feelings that are triggered by his erratic behaviour. And so the following are some affirmations I have made for myself that I based on the advice from Dr. Laura Markham from Aha! Parenting to remind me of the way I desire to parent my impressionable toddler to helpfully get me back on track:

• Model self-management by regulating own feelings first through deep breathing and by staying present.
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• Remember that there is no actual crisis and honor difficult emotions by letting them pass through without resistance.
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• Respond to the needs and feelings behind problem behavior and resist the urge to escalate or retaliate. 
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• Accept and acknowledge the emotions to diffuse them while gently limiting harmful actions. Teach that we can't choose our feelings but must choose what to do with them.
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• Toddlers are reflexively oppositional, so don’t take it personally. Laughter and playfulness help diffuse this negative energy.
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• Acknowledge unmet desires through wish fulfillment instead of outright denial, remaining playful and positive.
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• All that is required is love, patience, empathy, and redirection.

Saying something along these lines can be helpful:

“You seem so unhappy right now. Everybody gets upset sometimes. I’m right here listening and see all those big feelings. I’m right here and you’re safe. You can be as sad and mad as you want, and when you’re ready, I am right here to hug you.”

My Blessingway

With this pregnancy I got to experience something very special and that was in sharing some precious moments together with some friends during my Blessingway.

A Blessingway is an intimate ceremony that celebrates the sacredness of the pregnancy, birth, and overall changes that motherhood brings for the honored woman. Held within a comforting environment and surrounded by trusted women, the myriad emotional and physical changes that this process entails are addressed, explored, and nurtured. Both lighthearted and deeply introspective activities are enjoyed that help connect the women to one another and specifically support the intended woman during her transition time. It is a spiritual approach to maternity care that aims to empower the role that women are gifted as mothers.

The following is an outline of what transpired that day, including the readings that were delivered and an account of the different activities we did together. 

Now that everyone is here, we would like for you to arrange yourselves in a circle so that everyone is included and all can see and hear. We will be starting the ceremony shortly, so please take care of any needs that could be disruptive before we begin.

*We all sat in my living room in a circle so that everyone could see one another. All the activity tools were laid out on the coffee table in the center for easy access. *

You have all been chosen to share in Kae’s blessingway; an intimate ceremony that celebrates the sacredness of pregnancy, birth, and the overall changes that motherhood brings. In giving birth, we are called upon to let go of our need for control and to allow our bodies to widen and spread in order to endure what are sometimes extremes of discomfort and pain for long periods of time. We are then called upon to raise enough power and strength to push our babies out of the dark and narrow spaces of our bodies and into the light of the world. This act requires us to completely surrender to the experience of labor as well as to summon amazing strength from within. The wonderful, deep work of a blessingway can introduce an expectant mother to what it is like to move out of her normal mode and into the altered state of consciousness necessary for birth.

 

 

Let us begin first by going around the circle introducing ourselves by our maternal line of ancestors to honour the women who have come before us and birthed us into existence, also sharing our own children as a symbol of the unbroken line of birthing women. Kae will begin with her lineage:

*Going clockwise, each woman shared her own maternal line like so: I was born Karine Vaillancourt, daughter of Marie-Joanne Vaillancourt and grand-daughter to Mirelle Gelineau and Pauline Vaillancourt. I am mother to Leo Murphy and this current womb baby.*

As we can see, we have all come from a long line of birthing women; women who have had to navigate through their own apprehensions and fears of childbirth. Our ancestors as well had to usher in new life through their wombs, facing similar physical and emotional challenges. Our experiences are not unique, but they are our own. An important part of meeting childbirth and motherhood in an empowered state is to address these worries and to work through them emotionally by dispelling any myths we may have picked up from outside influences and counter them both with current research and age-old womanly wisdom.

*A bonding meditation was read by one of my Doulas to set the atmosphere at this point. I will link a copy of it once I get it myself.*

We will now open the floor for everyone to share some of these fears to be alleviated by the group based on our varying experiences and expertise,  beginning with addressing some of Kae’s concerns and giving her positive advice about releasing them for her own labour.

*Each concern of mine was then put to the group to help in dispelling it. This revolved mostly around my fear of having my rights violated during birth and having my child taken away from me unnecessarily like what happened during Leo’s. Other women then shared their own birth stories and how they healed from any traumatic experiences they had, also offering me encouragement on finding healing in this birth as well.*   

Now that the negativity has been dispelled, we will now re-write or paste the blessings/affirmations we have chosen to contribute into this decorative booklet for Kae to refer to during her labour for moral support. As that is being passed around in one direction, we will also introduce our bead offerings and why we have chosen them, placing them in this communal bowl for Kae to string up once they have all been gathered.

*Materials were provided to write the affirmations down on while a bowl was passed around, collecting the gift of a few special beads that gave them birthy vibes and incited feelings of connection to the divine feminine. I then wove them into a meditation link for me to use during labour to give me strength and focus. In turn they were provided with some glass beads to string together their own women’s circle bracelet that can be worn or attached to their purses/phones, etc to be carried until I birth to remind them to keep me and my growing babe in their positive thoughts and to link us all in a spiritual sisterhood during this time. The food was also laid out then, which consisted of various things to dip into the chocolate fountain. And yes that included bacon and yes it was awesome!*

Before we bring the blessingway to a close, and now that we are sated with food, we would like everyone to come and paint one hand however they would like and make an imprint on Kae’s belly as a symbol of support and unity.

*Everyone then took turns painting their hand and marking my big belly.*

We would like to thank everyone for sharing in this day with us. We have all brought with us the experience of our individual journeys. By establishing this time and space together as sacred, we have had the opportunity to remember that we are not alone in our struggles and triumphs. We can remember that we are part of a greater community of humanity. When we celebrate in Blessingways with each other, we weave a web of community which blesses, teaches, and supports one another-and as a result, we help to give birth to each other’s children. Today we have succeeded in forming a beautiful, sacred space for Kae and may we carry the knowledge and gifts we’ve received into everything we do from this day on. Let us stay connected to Kae, creating a cradle of support, as she awaits her birthing day, and beyond, as she learns to mother a new baby.

May you anticipate your child’s birth, her childhood, and her life and encourage her to look forward too. May you watch her flourish and discover her home in this magnificent world. May you nurture her innocence and never forget the sacred place it comes from. May you show her the way of wonder and walk along beside her. May you stand for her as a parent and a friend, valuing her dreams just as you value your own. May you voice your feelings honestly, and honor the promises you make. May you listen to her thoughtfully and give her the freedom to expand her own mind. May you envision her happy future, always mindful of the precious, present moment. May you embrace her and enjoy her with your heart open wide.

*A parting gift of a candle was given to light for encouragement during labour for most of the guests, and my Doulas received t-shirts I decorated for them that said: Abracadabra Doula! Which I found was whimsical and reflected just how special it is to have that kind of sacred support during one’s birth.*

It was a powerful experience for me, being able to connect with other women in this way and releasing some of the negativity I was still holding onto about this upcoming birth. It was interesting to notice how amiable women became with each other by the end of the rituals, when they all started out somewhat anxious about the whole thing since they did not all know one another very well or know what to expect by this event. I was honored by having my two wonderful Doulas attend, familiarizing ourselves with one another as a triad since we will all be together during my birthing time. It was all quite lovely and wish every woman could experience a blessingway like this during their pregnancies.