The Importance of Nursing Boundaries

I personally feel that it is important that we establish healthy nursing boundaries when the relationship isn't working for us anymore. Our needs as mothers are also important.

When my son Leo was around 21 months I found that at least night weaning needed to occur in order to make nursing pleasant for us again. I was getting overwhelmed by his need to comfort nurse when I needed my rest and so decided on gently weaning him. I found that I had to actively enforce these boundaries, gently but firmly, while teaching him other ways to be soothed or self-soothe himself. It was a process. When I became pregnant again soon after, dry nursing was too much for me and it was affecting my relationship with him so I had to make the conscious choice to temporarily wean him completely until that baby was born and my milk came back in (he chose not to tandem nurse after all but I digress). I just made sure that I was emotionally present with him during this transition, because naturally he was upset over this but it really was what was best for all of us. Previously I believed firmly in child-led weaning however it became apparent that it didn’t coincide with my own needs.

I often find other mothers have trouble honoring their own feelings around nursing because they are afraid of emotionally crippling their children, but an important part about growing up are these very transitions. However many women feel the need to push past their discomfort to the point of mental breakdown, which isn’t healthy. On one forum for example, a mother posted about feeling overwhelmed nursing her preschooler and when some replied urging her to establish boundaries that honored her feelings too she reacted by saying all she wanted was support in extended nursing rather than being judged; though that is certainly not what was really occurring. Although she may have only wanted to have her feelings validated, being encouraged to grin and bear a relationship that was no longer working for her quite obviously was not going to be supported by everyone on the member list she was reaching out to. Many felt that being supportive entailed pointing out that she mattered too. So why couldn’t she accept that reality?  

The mother as martyr is not a new observation, especially within the AP community but emotionally breaking down is one of the dark sides to this kind of identity. No one is meant to deny their needs indefinitely, it’s not natural. Even as parents we can only delay filling our own reserves for a time; they still need to be addressed somehow. There is a reason why there is a saying of ‘take care of yourself first’. We mothers are often the glue that keeps the family together and if we are overwhelmed, our parenting suffers and so do our children. That’s why it is important that even when it comes to our nursing relationships with our children that we constantly evaluate what is really working or not and to honor those changes, even if it doesn’t fit in with what we originally planned or expected. There are more ways than simply breastfeeding to meet a child's emotional needs; they just need to be implemented consistently and compassionately.  

Sometimes our hubbies are the ones that see the strain better than we do too. I know that mine was the first to point out that it wasn’t really working anymore, despite my beliefs about extended nursing. At first I was offended that he would even suggest doing something about our nursing patterns, but it was obvious that he was right in thinking a change was needed. I just wasn’t ready to hear it as I was lost in complete mama denial mode because of preconceived ideas I had about motherhood. When I started to lose my mind I started re-evaluating my beliefs and made the conscious choice to honor my own feelings despite the original reluctance. It was the best thing I could have done for all of us and should have started the process sooner even. You live you learn.  

Have you had to erect your own nursing boundaries with your children? How did you proceed and what was the result?   

Reflections on my Births

The empowering process of my daughter Lydia’s freebirth was an immensely healing experience for me after the traumatic one of my son Leo back in 2010. Although the scars of that experience are still there, they are no longer raw and I feel inspired to finally move forward in my emotional growth. The tangible difference in how I feel after this last birth has made me truly understand the importance of supporting natural birth for women and having proper prenatal emotional support. I always felt that a normal birth was a worthy intent for many psychological and physiological reasons, but the depth of that was not known to me until I experienced it myself. The disparity between the hospital birth I had with Leo and the homebirth I had with Lydia is palpable.

Not only is my physical healing more efficient because my body was allowed to make use of its normal physiological processes, but all the psychological issues I had after Leo like the PPD, the D-MER, the emotional disconnect to my own child are non-existent. I am instead filled with blissful feelings and immense gratitude to those in my life, and a sense of grace that I have not experienced until now. This has given me the strength to shoulder the responsibilities of being a solo-parent temporarily while my husband is away for several months with his work. I could not imagine how I would function if I felt similarly to my experience after birthing Leo. It would not have ended well, that’s for certain.

Knowing now that without a doubt that my body is not broken and that I can birth my babies as beautifully as I can grow them is definitely worthy of pride. My first birthing experience left me feeling self-conscious, doubtful about my abilities, and emotionally damaged. This time, I feel empowered and pretty bad-ass. The experience of birthing unhindered; with no one to direct me a certain way or interfere in the process and instead proceeding solely based on my instincts was amazing. It was a FAR more efficient way to birth. Intense, but smooth. The gift of actually feeling my child move through my birth canal and surrendering to the powerful manner in which my body encouraged Lydia’s journey earth-side is appreciated. Those that claim that naturally birthing does not deserve a medal obviously have not experienced it themselves nor understood the significance of it in their lives. Perhaps having experienced the polar opposite has given me a special vantage point.

During the labour itself I kept asking myself why I wanted to go through this without numbing my body and was afraid that I could not handle it, but that voice was very small compared to the roaring mother-goddess one that kept reminding me: YES YOU CAN AND YOU WILL. Whether I wanted it or not this baby was coming out through the efforts of our symbiotic dance. I had no choice but to embrace it. So I breathed and meditated through every surge, yielding to the aches of my body working to push my baby out into the world. It was so hard for me to let go mentally since I am so used to taking control of things in my life. The mental leap was the hardest for me. Physical pain I am used to and know how to handle, but the loss of control was terrifying. But I did it and came through the other side beautifully. One of the first thoughts I had after birthing her though was that I would never do this again! My reasons were twofold: because pregnancy is pretty hard on me now with the SPD, and also that naturally birthing is crazy intense and overwhelming while in the midst of it! This thought pattern soon passed after getting over the shock of the whole event (still not doing this again though, I’m officially retiring my uterus)!

Now at almost two weeks post-partum I’m already fitting into my pre-pregnancy clothes, my lochia is already almost nil, the SPD has worn off, my abs are already nearly re-knit, and I feel fabulous! It took months for me to feel even close to this after Leo’s birth. Yes, I would definitely say that homebirthing was the best thing I could do for myself.    

Birthkeeper’s Perspectives on Lydia’s Birth

The following is what my two birth attendants wrote about Lydia’s birth.

Birthkeeper Tayla:

I had just lain down to go to bed when I got the call/’t 11pm, Friday, February 8^th, 2013.  “Hi,” you said, sounding slightly breathless.  “How are you doing?” I asked.  “I’m in labour,” you said, to which I promptly replied, “I’m on my way!” I started my car and gathered my things as it warmed up.  When I left it was 11:07pm.  Finger 11’s “Good Times” played on the radio.

I arrived at 11:15pm.  As I let myself into the house, you were in the midst of a contraction, but you were so QUIET, and very gently rocking while leaning on your Pilates ball.  I set my things down, got out the TENS machine and the tincture that Nadia gave me for you.  Then I watched, and mentally timed what was happened.  Your contractions were approximately two mints apart and about 1 minute long.  I remember asking you how long this had been happening for and you said they had been that way since about 9:30pm.

I began to do some Reiki, in order to gauge where you were at mentally and energetically.  Sam arrived shortly thereafter, and started administering counter pressure to your hips.  It was very powerful having the three of us working together so symbiotically.        You wanted to move off your hands and knees as your hands and face were tingling.  You sat back on your haunches and began labouring that way.  At some point you said you felt nauseous, so I grabbed a steel bowl.  We tried squatting, rocking and dancing, but you seemed to prefer being on your haunches and on your hands and knees.  I recall you saying that you felt like you needed to pee but you didn’t want to get up and go to the washroom, so we just put the steel bowl underneath you, and you would sit back on this between contractions and sometimes during as you kept saying how badly you needed to pee.

Pushing began quickly. Shortly before midnight, in the midst of a strong contraction, there was a loud POP sound as your bag of waters ruptured.  I caught most of the fluid in the bowl and ran to dump it out and rinse it in case it was needed again. I was at your head, rubbing your back as you were on your hands and knees as Sam announced that Lydia’s head was visible.  As I looked back, her whole head had already been birthed! Her shoulders emerged quickly after, and as she came fully into this world, I covered my hands with a towel and very gently allowed her to naturally fall out of your body without hitting the ground. Lydia made her peaceful and oh so quiet entrance into this world at 12:04 am on February 9th, 2013.   You immediately scooped her up and flipped yourself around to hold her to your chest.  You moved faster then than I have seen you move in months!  You blew gently into her face to stimulate her breath, because she was so quiet, and I remember she let out quite the wail!  I estimated her weight at about 8 or so pounds and it turned out to be right!

Your placenta was delivered about 20minutes or half an hour later.  You seemed surprised at the level of discomfort you were experiencing with it, but it came out intact, and you were ready to consume a piece in a smoothie almost immediately, as per your wishes. 

***

Birthkeeper Sam:

Kae called me at 10:53pm to tell me she was in labour.  She was very quiet and soft on the phone. I gathered my things and showed up to kae's house around 11:20, Tayla was already there.  Kae was on her hands and knees on the floor in her living room.  The room was nice and dim, quiet as Leo was sleeping, and kae was doing low moans with contractions.   I immediately went to help kae, by doing hip squeezes and counter pressure on her lower back.   Kae then rolled onto her side in the fetal position, and commented a few times that she no longer wanted to do this anymore.  Tayla was looking at the TENs machine to see if she could set that up, and see if that would help.  

However things started moving along a lot quicker, I think quicker than any of us expected.  Kae started to comment that she might need to barf, so we grabbed the metal bowl.  She tried to get onto her hands and knees, that helped for one contraction, but needed to move again.  Then she laid over the birth ball.  But just couldn't get comfortable.  By this point I was told to not touch her, cause nothing was helping.  I grabbed some essential oil and rubbed it on her lower back.  to help keep the calmness.  

She then laboured for about 15 minutes more with Tayla and I helping best we could.  I helped her into a squat position.  But that wasn't comfortable.  Kae then mentioned she needed to pee…. and so we thought lets take her to the bathroom, but she wasn't getting up.  So we took the metal bowls and Kae knelt over that for a while.  Kae kept checking herself this whole time, and kept finding more and more blood (which is normal).  She then started she felt like she needed to poop.  And then her bag of water broke in to the bowl, and so we changed out the bowl, and kae got onto hands and knees, and working with her body she birthed the baby's head.  We then waited for about 2-3 minutes until the next contraction hit, and she birthed the baby's body at 00:04 Feb 9th 2013.  She had given birth to a beautiful little girl.  

She then sat down and held baby to her chest. Baby pinked up right away, and after a few seconds gave a nice hearty cry.  Baby had a bit of fluid in the lungs but with bit of crying and manuvering done by Kae baby managed to get it all out.  After about 10-15 minutes of sitting on the floor, kae started to get some more contraction but she felt like she needed to pee, so we headed off to the bathroom where kae attempted to pee.  She passed the placenta into another metal bowl on the bathroom floor, and then was able to empty her bladder.   Kae tried to get baby to latch on to help with the passing of the placenta, but baby was just not interested yet

We all then moved back to the livingroon, where Kae and baby sat on the couch for quite a while.  Her and baby managed to get a good latch and baby nursed happily for quite some time.  

We attempted to do Cord burning, but it was not successful, and so we tied and cut the cord.   The placenta was then checked over by myself, and from what I could tell it looked intact, I was then asked to cut a chunk off and blend it into a smoothie to prevent haemorrhaging, so I mixed it up with Ice Cream, Strawberries, mangos and some Coconut water. I also found a container and put the placenta in it and placed it into the fridge. 

I also made Kae some food (scrambled eggs). 

While Kae was enjoying her new baby, Tayla and I cleaned up the house from the birth, and tended to Kae when she needed us. It was about an 1.5-2 hours after baby was born that Kae decided she wanted to get baby into some clothes to make sure she was warm enough.  So she slipped off the couch onto the floor, and put baby on the floor and couldn't quite bend over to put baby's diaper on, so asked me to do that.  While I was putting baby's diaper on Kae got really shaky and procceded to faint.  Tayla helped kae lay down, and I finished getting baby dressed, and wrapped up and of to the side. Kae was out no more than 30 seconds when she came back around.  I was a little worried, but figured it was from the birth, and perhaps blood loss.  So we helped her change her pad, and then while we were all sitting there, she passed out again.  

Tayla and I made the decision to call 911, as we didn't want to say everything was ok, and be wrong.  

I called 911 at 02:30. The lady on the phone was quite funny.  She was telling me how to put baby in mom's chest and to dry baby off with a towel and then how to help deliver the placenta.  Kept telling me to NOT put traction on the cord.  I kinda sat there and said Mmmhmm, yep.  Ok.  There was nothing wrong with baby.  I told her baby was fine and nice and pink.  She then asks me how old baby was….I think she was starting to put 2 and 2 together.  I told her 2.5 hours old.  She freaked.   OMG What?  I was like baby is 2.5 hours old.  My concern is mom not baby.  Baby is fine. By this point Tayla had gotten Kae up on the couch and her and babe were snuggled, baby nursing, and Kae was looking MUCH better.  

The Fire department showed up first, and did an assessment, and then the Paramedics showed up, and also made an assessment.  Kae was then transferred to a gurney and into the Ambulance.  I followed behind all the way to the hospital. Once in the hospital kae and babe were checked over, Not once was baby taken from kae.  She was allowed to keep baby with her the whole time.  She talked to the nurse, resident and OB and after 4 hours at the hospital she was discharged, and I brought her home.  

Baby Lydia was weighed and measured (this was the only time baby was taken from Kae), and found out she was 21" long and 7lbs 15oz.  

Lydia’s Birth – Part 02 – Post-Partum Adventure

*Read Part 01 HERE*

As I slid down to the floor to dress Lydia for the first time I was hit with a dizzy spell and became flushed. I sat quietly on the floor trying to compose myself and it felt like I had fallen asleep temporarily, complete with strange dreams but I had in fact passed out for 30 seconds. When I came to I continued what I was doing for several minutes and then proceeded to pass out for another 30 seconds and snap back like nothing happened. This concerned my attendants and they decided to call me an ambulance in case it was related to blood loss (don’t worry it wasn’t but better safe than sorry). When they related the swift birth, the woman on the phone attempted to instruct one of my attendants on how to clamp the cord etc, before she was able to relay that the baby was fine and that her concern was over me in regards to the fainting. Once she was filled in that I had birthed some two hours ago she was confounded but that is to be expected since I’m sure it’s fairly rare for women to birth essentially unassisted in their home these days.

Anyways, an ambulance was dispatched but it was the firemen who arrived first. Suddenly my living room was filled with a bunch of strange men with me half-naked on the couch holding Lydia looking at them with an amused smirk. She was nursing and perfectly content and I had regained my color and was feeling fine. I answered all their goofy questions made to determine my state of mind. One observed that I was fully aware and very calm for someone who birthed so quickly. Once the ambulance arrived I went through a similar questioning period and they asked for specific details of the birth which was given by my attendants as they loaded me up on the gurney. Lydia stayed against me the entire time and we were covered in a bunch of blankets for the journey.

Once inside the ambulance, they monitored my blood pressure and heart rate and gave me a hep lock to be more efficient once in hospital if I needed and I.V, which I allowed but made it very clear nothing else was to be injected into me without my express permission and they acknowledged that. They tried to convince me I needed an I.V for hydration at first and I told them I would simply drink water and piss it out like a normal person like I had already after the birth and they couldn’t argue with that. The gentleman who was observing the laptop with my vitals on it remarked then that I was incredibly zen and that nothing was abnormal. They had taken my placenta from the fridge to bring to be assessed and my attendants made sure they were notified that a piece was missing, not due to retention but due to me consuming it and their expressions were hilarious! They asked me about it again while driving to the hospital and I told them I ate a chunk of it raw in a smoothie like an animal with a completely stoic face and they weren’t quite sure how to process that! Haha! I’m so funny.

Once at the Royal Alex, they brought me into post-partum care where I was to wait to be assessed. I was assigned a wonderful nurse who looked after me the entire time I was there, which quite a few hours because they wanted to observe me and were deliberately slow in getting everything sorted out. Meanwhile I just rested in bed enjoying Lydia and the blissful feelings I was having despite the impromptu travelling. I knew everything was fine so it was just a matter of time before I would go back home and truly relax. I allowed them to draw some blood to check my hemoglobin levels but even the nurse I was assigned assured me that the fainting spells were very normal for having what they call a precipitous birth. The sudden loss of fluids from the bag of waters, the baby, the placenta, and the normal lochia blood loss can shock the body. Most women who have similar births as me experience something of the sort. My blood loss was determined normal but when the individual who was supposed to perform a vaginal exam came to inspect me that’s when I started to panic.

Something I have been reluctant to mention after Leo’s birth is the deeply ingrained feeling of violation I felt after forceps were used on me, which played a large part of the PPD and PTSD I suffered after the event. The damage they caused to my genitals was ghastly and I had much difficulty healing emotionally and not just physically from the ordeal. This has affected my sex life considerably for a long time because of it but my gentle and patient husband helped me move past that as much as I was able to. When they wanted to perform a vaginal examination at the hospital I immediately froze and started exhibiting many of the symptoms of flight/fight for the first time during this birth and my attendant could sense it since she took her hand in mine and told me to squeeze. I allowed them to examine me for a few minutes but it was all I could tolerate and told them it was enough.

I knew that I hadn’t torn and I felt perfectly fine on the inside as well. The only discomfort I had was muscle soreness from stretching. The obstetrician was concerned that if I had any internal tearing that it would have to be repaired immediately because they refuse to do so 24 hours after a birth due to the risk of infection (she could not explain to me how exactly the risk of infection they could introduce would rise over the next few hours but I felt it was just a scare tactic to get me to comply which I simply ignored). They also tried to convince me they needed to confirm that there was no tearing but I assured them I knew what that felt like since I had second degree tears from leo’s birth and stitches on the inside as well and that I knew the difference. I assured them that I was more comfortable with healing any possible tears naturally anyways and at this point they realized I would not be swayed so agreed to discharge me then, against their recommendations mind you.

 

I then had to sign all sorts of discharge papers as well as register Lydia’s birth which didn’t take too long and then wait for the okay to leave. The only concern I had was for my son who was left at home still sleeping through the entire hullaballoo with friend’s of the family looking over him. I was worried that he would wake up without me there and would panic, especially since his Dad was not around but he was in bed up to when we finally arrived back home. He awoke not ten minutes after we arrived to finally meet his baby sister finally. At first he was shy but soon could not give her enough kisses and hugs.

That day we left for the Lapointe’s to stay a week in their home and be pampered for my babymoon. With my husband gone with work I was alone to care for myself post-partum and two children under 3, which was ambitious to say the least. Luckily for me they generously offered to take care of us while we adjusted and I healed from the birth. The after-pains were pretty intense as my uterus shrank back into place and only needing to sit and nurse while everything else was taken care of was wonderful. It was a great way to start our life together as a family of four now. However it took a few days to get a hold of my husband to even notify him of the birth!