Admitting that I am not enjoying motherhood right now, even to myself, is both alarming and liberating. I have been struggling for some time with the decision of being a stay-at-home mother since I have not been interacting with my children in a positive manner lately. I am essentially burnt-out and frayed around the edges and this is affecting my family. The downward spiral started before my daughter was born but leaving it unaddressed only worsened the problem once needing to care for a newborn as well. I am actually loathing motherhood currently to the point of constantly daydreaming about running away to the Bahamas forever. Perhaps these dark feelings are why I’ve been staying away from blogging because publicly admitting that my journey towards mindful mothering is failing miserably is embarrassing.
I’m having trouble pinpointing exactly what is bothering me and leaving me working on empty but I think it is a combination of daily stresses, my poor health, and a possible personality crisis. Regardless of the various possible issues, letting it affect my children is not okay and I feel terrible about it. Which is why I decided to embark on the Orange Rhino Challenge to begin with. So far, not overly good. So I’m now also tackling the other issues simultaneously because it’s obvious to me now that if I’m not feeling good, I can’t be the mother that I want to be. Some of these changes involve a diet overhaul, addressing my misalignment issues, and exploring what direction I want to go in life around my interests. You know, small things like that.
I want to enjoy motherhood and my children again; to perceive challenges as learning curves instead of overwhelming obstacles; to look forward to new days instead of dreading them; and to feel secure in my choices in raising them instead of embarrassed. I want everyone to enjoy life again and not be constantly reactive; like me. The amount of personal growth involved is daunting, but I know in the depth of my heart that I need to make this effort. Until I can get myself sorted out, motherhood will remain a love/hate relationship where I value the work I do at home while simultaneously loathing it.
A related article that I enjoyed: