Motherhood: A Love/Hate Relationship

Admitting that I am not enjoying motherhood right now, even to myself, is both alarming and liberating. I have been struggling for some time with the decision of being a stay-at-home mother since I have not been interacting with my children in a positive manner lately. I am essentially burnt-out and frayed around the edges and this is affecting my family. The downward spiral started before my daughter was born but leaving it unaddressed only worsened the problem once needing to care for a newborn as well. I am actually loathing motherhood currently to the point of constantly daydreaming about running away to the Bahamas forever. Perhaps these dark feelings are why I’ve been staying away from blogging because publicly admitting that my journey towards mindful mothering is failing miserably is embarrassing.

I’m having trouble pinpointing exactly what is bothering me and leaving me working on empty but I think it is a combination of daily stresses, my poor health, and a possible personality crisis. Regardless of the various possible issues, letting it affect my children is not okay and I feel terrible about it. Which is why I decided to embark on the Orange Rhino Challenge to begin with. So far, not overly good. So I’m now also tackling the other issues simultaneously because it’s obvious to me now that if I’m not feeling good, I can’t be the mother that I want to be. Some of these changes involve a diet overhaul, addressing my misalignment issues, and exploring what direction I want to go in life around my interests. You know, small things like that.

I want to enjoy motherhood and my children again; to perceive challenges as learning curves instead of overwhelming obstacles; to look forward to new days instead of dreading them; and to feel secure in my choices in raising them instead of embarrassed. I want everyone to enjoy life again and not be constantly reactive; like me. The amount of personal growth involved is daunting, but I know in the depth of my heart that I need to make this effort. Until I can get myself sorted out, motherhood will remain a love/hate relationship where I value the work I do at home while simultaneously loathing it.  

A related article that I enjoyed:

A Moment vs. Every Single Moment

Taking the No-Yelling Rhino Challenge

I’ve been blogging pretty inconsistently lately mostly due to feeling like I have no time/energy to write anything now that I am a mother of two. However I think that I’ve also been very emotionally overwhelmed lately with caring for a newborn and toddler, dealing with my husband’s long absences with work, and struggling with my chronic pain that I haven’t felt motivated to get my creative juices flowing whatsoever.

Something else that has been strongly influenced by these stresses is my parenting. I’ve been connecting less and reacting more on automatic which means I’ve started yelling again to blow off steam. Not the best way to deal with negative emotions and as a result my relationship with my son has deteriorated and we’re now both hurting. I thought that my husband coming home finally after being gone for a few months would alleviate some of the stress, which it has considerably, but not enough to make this nasty habit disappear. I have to accept responsibility in actively changing this and so I’ve decided to take The Orange Rhino Challenge to stop all the yelling.  

To begin I need to try some different alternatives to yelling when angry/frustrated. These also double as great ideas to help children with their feelings too. Here are some options that I find appealing:

Shaking the angry out: jumping up and down shaking my arms and making propeller noises with my mouth. It’s silly enough to diffuse the feelings and engage the toddler.

Humming “Om” while adopting the Yoga Tree Pose (Vrksasana): The calming vibration of the vocalization coupled with a pose that requires concentration can distract oneself from overreacting.

Squeezing the feelings out: Procuring stress balls or using anything to the same effect like bean bags to crush when feeling overwhelmed.

It is important to breathe calmly to become centered as well and then deal with whatever situation in the way that aligns with core values instead of simply reacting and regretting it later. Mom guilt sucks balls so let’s avoid that shall we?

Something else that needs to be approached is pinpointing and reducing the things that stress me out and replacing them with calming activities. I function best when I know what to expect and there is some order to my life. I’ve realised that chaos gives me anxiety so I am working on establishing and following a smooth daily rhythm that includes such routines as sitting down for supper as a family at the table, making meal plans to avoid panic at suppertime, having a daily walk outside to at least get the mail for some fresh air, and incorporating a morning yoga routine. I should also really get into the habit of taking my vitamins and drinking healthy smoothies daily so that I’m not a low-energy crazy person. Maybe eventually I’ll feel zen enough to take on planning a daily craft/activity with Leo that involves more than throwing a movie on for him and then trying to take a nap. He currently entertains himself because I’m too frazzled to be any fun.

This is definitely going to be a challenge since it’s more than just ceasing the yelling but about creating a healthy environment in total so that I don’t become so overwhelmed to feel the need to yell so much at all. I think involving some sort of weekly massage should be included too then...Anyhow. I’ll update every little while about my progress. I won’t pretend that I’ll do it regularly because I’m kind of flimsy and consistency right now is not my forte. Bear with me.  

An Empowering Series - Jacqueline Carey's Kushiel Novels

This series of books are my all-time favorite reads. I’ve read them so many times that I’m on my third copy. I kid you not. I resonated so much with them that I got a freaking tattoo that I have never regretted even several years later now. I cannot recommend these books enough to the people in my life, and especially to young women; and this is why:

Her characters are multi-faceted and endearing, being imbued with an astounding realism and have admirable qualities. She reveals the various hues of human emotion and behaviour that leads to making difficult life choices, which often cannot be limited to the good/evil polarities but falls somewhere in between. She gives insight into the deeply embedded beliefs of various cultures and religions, bringing to light their unique splendors and equally to their tragic delusions. I find myself contemplating my own life philosophy through her characters (and wishing somewhat that I lived within her world instead of this one and just for the apparently pretty people and their licentiousness....ahem).  

Her heroines also display various female archetypes with all their virtues and vices that illuminate the complexity of the female experience. I feel that in a culture that currently seems to elevate weak/shallow characters like that of Bella from the twilight series, the feminist within rejoices at the more realistic/empowering portrayal of females in this series. I can see myself reflected a bit within them, as well as noticed some similarities between them and the women currently in my life. They are relatable but also forgiving in that their perceived flaws are turned into strengths and she illustrates how these shape their fascinating personalities in their own way.

She pays particular attention to the myriad ways love is expressed with all the advantages and drawbacks of the ‘love as thou wilt’ philosophy. She explores both the subtle and dramatic ways it takes possession of a person and gives us a wondrous vision of the diversity of this emotion. The way in which she presents the potency of desire in its many forms is also exhilarating. She encourages healthy sexuality by bestowing an assertive twist to her character’s love lives, exploring the various ailments of repressed sexuality and setting her characters free to find honor in the expression of their physical needs.

This is a great series for young women to read for its grand adventures, unique perspective on women’s inherent potential, and its delightful entrenchment in mythology, religion, and philosophy. It is a series that invites in-depth reflection and nurtures the budding of healthy self-confidence and relationships. And the story in itself is awesomsauce filled with action, drama, sex, and whimsy. What more could a person want?

Go get yourself a copy now, you won’t regret it!